Humor...I Need Humor...

[SteveDallas]

Are you saying he had sex in the bridges so many times he could paint them from memory?

[Pie]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Radar]

A married couple is at home. The wife is in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, and the husband is in the living room reading a book. The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have any kind of freaky sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

[Pie]

A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

...

Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?"

Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission.

After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?"

Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

[sweetwater]

Two atoms are talking. The first atom says, "I'm really worried. I think I have l lost one of my electrons!" The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes", the first atom answers, "I'm positive!"

[classicman]

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[Sundae]

Wasn't that an IoTD?

[classicman]

I dunno - I thought I'd seen it somewhere before - couldn't find it so there it is. If was - A mod can delete it.

[classicman]

.

[xoxoxoBruce]

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[ZenGum]

Recently I've linked to a few videos by Roy Zimmerman which mock conservatives. I hereby redress the balance, and bring you Roy mocking Liberals.

[Radar]

Zen, I have spent all day watching his videos thanks to you. That guy is a frigging genius.

[Pico and ME]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

[Nirvana]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

[footfootfoot]

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich walked into a bar, the bartender looked at it and said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."