Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 155

My name is mud · 11-28-2008, 06:07 AM

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY

CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

ferret88 · 11-28-2008, 08:53 AM

LMAO @ Mud

sugarpop · 11-29-2008, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

BEAR SEX

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try some bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'

After considering his situation briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. And even though he felt very sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. You killed a cousin of mine and now you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

This time Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the very same grizzly bear and shot it- dead.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was yet another tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

bwahahahahahahahaha

Nirvana · 11-29-2008, 09:16 PM

The Pink Envelope...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of
the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he
watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the
pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for
a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno ."

Mad Professor · 11-30-2008, 12:10 AM

What did the inflatable schoolmaster say to the inflatable boy you came into the inflatable school with a pin?

You've let me down, you've let the school down, but most of all you've let yourself down.

TheMercenary · 11-30-2008, 09:15 AM

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't
have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Pie · 12-01-2008, 05:12 PM

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Radar · 12-01-2008, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My name is mud

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY

CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

These are great. You should have added...

LIVER - Some guy wan to kiss my wife, but I tell him "Liver alone cheese mine!"

Radar · 12-01-2008, 07:24 PM

Which reminds me....

Q: What's the difference between a Tea Cup and a Pee Cup?

A: A Tea Cup is something you drink out of. A Pee Cup is what the gardener drives.

Aliantha · 12-01-2008, 07:42 PM

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

It's always erect,
Stays up for 12 days and nights,
Has cute balls,
And even looks good with the lights on!

footfootfoot · 12-03-2008, 11:21 AM

My Urologist

My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

lookout123 · 12-03-2008, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My name is mud

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY

CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

Just to point out how awesome the cellar is... this recently appeared on the other board I frequent and the poster was ridiculed and it was removed. The first reply was "Great. That's really great. Why don't you disrespect the blacks and jews next?!"

I just found the situation amusing.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-03-2008, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

Just to point out how awesome the cellar is... this recently appeared on the other board I frequent and the poster was ridiculed and it was removed. The first reply was "Great. That's really great. Why don't you disrespect the blacks and jews next?!"

My response would be, a black and a jew go into a bar.....

lookout123 · 12-03-2008, 12:05 PM

eh, they're british. no sense of humor.

dar512 · 12-03-2008, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

My response would be, a black and a jew go into a bar.....

The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

11-29-2008, 09:16 PM	#2314
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	The Pink Envelope... One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-30-2008, 12:10 AM	#2315
Mad Professor Belt Conveyor Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Blighty Posts: 65	What did the inflatable schoolmaster say to the inflatable boy you came into the inflatable school with a pin? You've let me down, you've let the school down, but most of all you've let yourself down. __________________ Nothin' seems that weird anymore Lo Fidelity Allstars

11-30-2008, 09:15 AM	#2316
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-01-2008, 05:12 PM	#2317
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

12-01-2008, 07:24 PM	#2319
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Which reminds me.... Q: What's the difference between a Tea Cup and a Pee Cup? A: A Tea Cup is something you drink out of. A Pee Cup is what the gardener drives. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-28-2008, 06:07 AM	#2311
My name is mud Smooth Ruffian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Austin Posts: 47	SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY CHEESE - Maria likes me, but cheese fat. MUSHROOM - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. SHOULDER - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. TEXAS - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! HERPES - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. JULY - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! RECTUM - I had two cars but my wife rectum! CHICKEN - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. WHEELCHAIR - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair. CHICKEN WING - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. HARASSMENT - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. BISHOP - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop. BODY WASH - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. BRIEF - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

11-28-2008, 08:53 AM	#2312
ferret88 (This space left intentionally UN-blank.) Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Albuquerque Posts: 604	LMAO @ Mud

12-01-2008, 07:42 PM	#2320
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? It's always erect, Stays up for 12 days and nights, Has cute balls, And even looks good with the lights on! __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

12-03-2008, 11:21 AM	#2321
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	My Urologist My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-03-2008, 12:05 PM	#2324
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	eh, they're british. no sense of humor. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

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