Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators.

"Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England"

The next day’s newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

[footfootfoot]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in The City of Philadelphia, a store where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and thevalue of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' and continues upward.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims. 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor.
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex, have money, and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Pie]

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

[classicman]

Every once in a while you see
a simple act of patriotism that just fills your heart
with so much pride that you get lumps in your throat.
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[Sheldonrs]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJw7TaPixLI

[Nirvana]

A married couple in their 80's no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'


The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says:

'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
Aha I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie
score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, '
Field
goal , I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally Shits the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[capnhowdy]

Register for the draft @
http://www.draftregistration.us/

[Scriveyn]

A horse walks into a bar ....

[capnhowdy]

"I don't know, Everett...was that all Woolworths or just the one branch?"

[classicman]

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake..'
___________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see..' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
___________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex..'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_____________________________________________________________________ __
OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've=2
0been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[classicman]

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light w
as red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

[lumberjim]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend:


To: John Hinckley




From: John McCain




My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.




My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.




Best Wishes,




John and Cindy McCain




PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. Just thought you should know.

[footfootfoot]

I saw that coming and I still laughed.
Like a hyena.
On nitrous.

[lumberjim]

the screen door imagery is what got me.

[footfootfoot]

And the audio as well, I'm still laughing.