Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 196

skysidhe · 10-05-2009, 12:12 PM

haha that's a goody cap'in

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

Better to be safe than__ - punch a 5th grader

Strike while the__ - bug is close

It's always darkest before__ - Daylight Savings

Time Never underestimate the power of__ - termites

You can lead a horse to water but__ - how?

Don't bite the hand that__ - looks dirty

No news is__ - impossible

A miss is as good as a__ - Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new__ - math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll__ - stink in the morning

Love all, trust__ - me

The pen is mightier than the__ - pigs

An idle mind is__ - the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's__ - pollution

Happy the bride who__ - gets all the presents

A penny saved is__ - not much

Two's company, three's__ - the Musketeers

Don't put off until tomorrow what__ - you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and__ - you have

to blow your nose

Children should be seen and not__ - spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed__ - get new batteries

You get out of something what you__ - see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind__ - get out of the way

Madman · 10-05-2009, 01:23 PM

Yoga masters strut their stuff...

TheMercenary · 10-09-2009, 05:29 PM

Gotta love the Indians

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become
the President..

HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed YES' for
every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although
President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most
enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and
brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud
President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came
to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained
that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it
can no longer fly.

Sheldonrs · 10-09-2009, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

..."Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

I guess that means Bush would have been called "Brown-Eyed Walking Eagle".

TheMercenary · 10-09-2009, 06:31 PM

Radar · 10-13-2009, 12:35 AM

This might be the funniest commercial I've ever seen. It's what NOT to do after a one night stand.

Radar · 10-13-2009, 11:43 AM

Here's another very funny one.

BrianR · 10-13-2009, 04:35 PM

My wife liked the first one better.

Radar · 10-13-2009, 11:33 PM

classicman · 10-15-2009, 11:06 AM

Health Care Reform

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Sheldonrs · 10-15-2009, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Health Care Reform

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

And if the republicans have their way, just shoot him since either way, he's been screwed badly.

lumberjim · 10-15-2009, 11:43 AM

I dunno..for me.....the politicalization of an old joke robs all of the humor out of it.

Spexxvet · 10-15-2009, 11:44 AM

Without the politics..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

A man took his wife to the doctor. After many tests, the doctor told the husband "we're not sure if she has Alzheimer's or AIDS".

The husband the doctor what he should do.

"drive her across town and leave her there" replied the doctor, "and if she makes it home, don't fuck her."

Radar · 10-15-2009, 03:49 PM

Much funnier.

Elspode · 10-16-2009, 12:15 AM

The Republican version:

Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?"

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?"

10-05-2009, 12:12 PM	#2926
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	haha that's a goody cap'in A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Better to be safe than__ - punch a 5th grader Strike while the__ - bug is close It's always darkest before__ - Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of__ - termites You can lead a horse to water but__ - how? Don't bite the hand that__ - looks dirty No news is__ - impossible A miss is as good as a__ - Mr. You can't teach an old dog new__ - math If you lie down with dogs, you'll__ - stink in the morning Love all, trust__ - me The pen is mightier than the__ - pigs An idle mind is__ - the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's__ - pollution Happy the bride who__ - gets all the presents A penny saved is__ - not much Two's company, three's__ - the Musketeers Don't put off until tomorrow what__ - you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and__ - you have to blow your nose Children should be seen and not__ - spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed__ - get new batteries You get out of something what you__ - see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind__ - get out of the way Last edited by skysidhe; 10-05-2009 at 12:18 PM.

10-05-2009, 01:23 PM	#2927
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Yoga masters strut their stuff... Attached Images

10-09-2009, 05:29 PM	#2928
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Gotta love the Indians President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President.. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'. At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-09-2009, 06:31 PM	#2930
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	__________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-13-2009, 12:35 AM	#2931
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	This might be the funniest commercial I've ever seen. It's what NOT to do after a one night stand. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-13-2009, 11:43 AM	#2932
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Here's another very funny one. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-13-2009, 04:35 PM	#2933
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	My wife liked the first one better. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

10-13-2009, 11:33 PM	#2934
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	__________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-15-2009, 11:06 AM	#2935
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Health Care Reform The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-15-2009, 11:43 AM	#2937
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I dunno..for me.....the politicalization of an old joke robs all of the humor out of it. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-15-2009, 03:49 PM	#2939
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Much funnier. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

10-16-2009, 12:15 AM	#2940
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	The Republican version: Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits - The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?" "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?" __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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