Humor...I Need Humor...

[lumberjim]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

This is real and very funny! Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, After a short ad, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options… then press 7.

it only went 3 seconds, then reset to the stupid speedskater.....repeat x 3 then it hung up on me....


fail

[monster]

busy

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

it only went 3 seconds, then reset to the stupid speedskater.....repeat x 3 then it hung up on me....

It did the same thing to me until I figured out the kids were being too damn loud in the background and setting off the voice recognition software--I covered the mouthpiece with my thumb and it played without interruption.

[squirell nutkin]

Have you heard about the talking Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string and it says, "Again, with the string?"

[Trilby]

I see nothing.

[squirell nutkin]

Bummer, it's a 275K animated gif. very funny, but too big

[classicman]

Take your honey fishing here

[jujuwwhite]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
The part below is optional.......

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your
property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle
will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come
true? Then send it anyway--you' ve got nothin' to lose!

[classicman]

Jewish Humor from a Jewish Friend

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days,
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny
Youngman, and others? But don't you miss their humor? Not a swear
word in the bunch!

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

[classicman]

part 2

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the
fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life
begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until
it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with
their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror
movie? A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They
never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A:
Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The
son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The
mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under
the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish
mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't
like anything that isn't 20% off.

[skysidhe]

ha ha I love this

[Elspode]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[xoxoxoBruce]

[monster]

@ xoB

[xoxoxoBruce]

Credit squirell nutkin.