Humor...I Need Humor...

[jujuwwhite]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[monster]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

That's my fave ....and so true.... Our madcap family is such that people never see beest and I together, but they know who each of Thor's parents are.....

[classicman]

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.
“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said. ”You already know how to play baseball!”

[TheMercenary]

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy Pelosi, in her usual charming manner, says
to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead
but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says
Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks
Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.
"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm
Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow

[Kagen4o4]

here's one i came up with the other day


a young Englishman, who had recently spent some years at oxford studying his language, decided to take a trip to Spain.
He wanted everyone to know English.
He wanted to show the world his perfect knowledge of what he thought to be a beautiful language.
He travelled through the countryside and came across a magnificent farm and decided that he would start his mission with these simple folk.
He noticed a few of chaps standing in a field and popped over the fence to join them.

'hola?' said a grubby looking farmer
'I think you'll find "Hello" is a much better greeting' said the confident young intellectual
'que?'
'"pardon me, sir?" is a much more polite inquisition my dear simpleton' laughed the Englishman 'I am here to spread the beauty of the english language, i can speak it perfectly and know every word there is to know'
'DEBELIEVABLE!" shouted the apparently sceptical Spaniard.
'hahaha, i think you'll find its pronounced "unbelievab..."'
just then! the englishman was smashed in the back by a horrendous force that threw him 10 feet in the air to come crashing down to earth, only to be trampled by a huge beast of bone crushing weight, leaving the englishman lifeless and dead in the spanish mud

the farmer turned to fellow farmers and said (in perfect english) 'i tried to warn him about the de-belled evil bull'

[classicman]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam . . if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

[TheMercenary]

Recognition of George W Bush by the Obama Administration


The Obama Administration will be Honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault."

[Pie]

Alright, that was funny.

[classicman]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughter’s
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, ‘have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 6th & Final Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

There's no need, his wife replied.

he insisted,
I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend and your mother!

I know, she replied…

Now just rest and let the poison work!

[Spexxvet]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[squirell nutkin]

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says,
"did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim,
"No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"
O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says
"Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."
O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin.
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says,
"Yes may I help you?"
Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says,
"Are you the widow O'Hara?"
To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."

[TheMercenary]

That's great.

[jujuwwhite]

That's good stuff right there, yes sir it is!! Most rednecks round these here parts knock would knock on the widow's door and simply say...'your ole man is DRT....(dead right thar)....

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by jujuwwhite

Most rednecks round these here parts knock would knock on the widow's door and simply say...'your ole man is DRT....(dead right thar)....

I haven't heard that in ages.