Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 227

classicman · 04-14-2010, 03:09 PM

FWIW - here is the intro.

In white to protect the innocent... whoever they may be.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel
"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said,
" Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

Nirvana · 04-15-2010, 02:09 PM

A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself?

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

~Tiger

classicman · 04-15-2010, 03:55 PM

wrong thread

Flint · 04-16-2010, 11:09 AM

Subject: To the greatest drummer in the world...

In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do.

Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world." Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake." Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich.

Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope.

He began to read the letter, "Dear Ringo...."

SteveDallas · 04-16-2010, 12:48 PM

When I heard it, it was the greatest violinist, Jascha Heifitz, Fritz Kreisler, and Isaac Stern.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-16-2010, 12:50 PM

Who was it written too?

Pete Zicato · 04-16-2010, 01:06 PM

Buddy Rich could be hard on his bandmates.

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

The horn player admitted, "I just love hearing you say it."

Sheldonrs · 04-16-2010, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Who was it written too?

Jack Benny?

toranokaze · 04-16-2010, 03:43 PM

This is not a music thread

Flint · 04-16-2010, 03:44 PM

Now that's funny.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-18-2010, 08:47 PM

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".

The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"
The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

TheMercenary · 04-23-2010, 08:29 AM

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is
it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which
the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich..' The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you
remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still
very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him,
'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the
flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occason I
was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded
understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.
Finally,the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?'

squirell nutkin · 04-23-2010, 09:04 AM

A Romanian accountant is working for the mob and decides to embezzle several million dollars. He's caught and getting worked over by the mob but he only speaks Romanian, so they get a translator to help interrogate him.

The boss says, "Tell him if he doesn't tells us where the money is, we're going to kill him."
The translator gives the message to the accountant.
The accountant gives in and says, "I buried it under my shed."
The translator looks at the mob boss and says, "He told you to go fuck yourself."

Shawnee123 · 04-23-2010, 09:22 AM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

classicman · 04-23-2010, 01:15 PM

Bwaaaahahahahah

04-14-2010, 03:09 PM	#3391
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	FWIW - here is the intro. In white to protect the innocent... whoever they may be. Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-15-2010, 02:09 PM	#3392
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A Letter To Jessie James You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin away. You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself? I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are: Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch. ~Tiger __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-15-2010, 03:55 PM	#3393
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	wrong thread __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-16-2010, 11:09 AM	#3394
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Subject: To the greatest drummer in the world... In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world." Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake." Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich. Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope. He began to read the letter, "Dear Ringo...." __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

04-16-2010, 12:50 PM	#3396
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Who was it written too? __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-16-2010, 12:48 PM	#3395
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	When I heard it, it was the greatest violinist, Jascha Heifitz, Fritz Kreisler, and Isaac Stern.

04-16-2010, 01:06 PM	#3397
Pete Zicato Turns out my CRS is a symptom of TMB. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Chicago suburbs Posts: 2,916	Buddy Rich could be hard on his bandmates. A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" The horn player admitted, "I just love hearing you say it." __________________ Talk nerdy to me.

04-16-2010, 03:43 PM	#3399
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	This is not a music thread __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

04-16-2010, 03:44 PM	#3400
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Now that's funny. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

04-18-2010, 08:47 PM	#3401
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?" The hostage answers "Yes". The robber promptly shoots him in the head. Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did". The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!" The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?" The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-23-2010, 08:29 AM	#3402
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich..' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occason I was weak and broke with my faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally,the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'

04-23-2010, 09:04 AM	#3403
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	A Romanian accountant is working for the mob and decides to embezzle several million dollars. He's caught and getting worked over by the mob but he only speaks Romanian, so they get a translator to help interrogate him. The boss says, "Tell him if he doesn't tells us where the money is, we're going to kill him." The translator gives the message to the accountant. The accountant gives in and says, "I buried it under my shed." The translator looks at the mob boss and says, "He told you to go fuck yourself." __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

04-23-2010, 09:22 AM	#3404
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day." "From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from the f**kin' skippin" __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-23-2010, 01:15 PM	#3405
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Bwaaaahahahahah __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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