Humor...I Need Humor...

[regular.joe]

I saw this last night and thought it was pretty funny.

[Gravdigr]

I had that once...Dr. gave me some salve for it...

[Gravdigr]

,

[TheMercenary]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said."You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most mportant things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.................. "My Rolex!"

[footfootfoot]

super haggis

[BrianR]

Not so much a joke but...

An accident occurred just outside my wife's place the other night. A hit and run.

The runner smashed into a car which pulled out in front of him. The smashee totally admitted fault. Had the other guy stayed around, that would probably have been the end of it right there. But no, he rabbited. LEAVING HIS FRONT BUMPER AND LICENSE PLATE BEHIND!!!!!

I'm guessing the driver was drunk at the time. Or illegal. Or perhaps the car was stolen. No matter what, the police were likely waiting for him at home.

True dumb criminal story.

[Gravdigr]

3 good ones from one email, go figure.

[classicman]

An old guy … ok, a guy digr's age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy, beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "The ATM in the lobby."

[BrianR]

One day a man decided to retire...




He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.




He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.



In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.



While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course ?"

[BrianR]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy
because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from the South.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Southern deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' Says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;
and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick, starts beating the stuff'n out of the lawyer, and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[TheMercenary]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me 'splain this to you!]

[Nirvana]

I am not sure if this is funny ... you decide...

BREAKING NEWS!!! Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life!
Dispatcher: "What is your emergency?"
Casey: "Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me."
Dispatcher: "Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name?"
Casey: "Casey Anthony"
Dispatcher: "Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days."

[classicman]

l saw that on FB yesterday and lol'd

[footfootfoot]

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck’s windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper’s shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

[classicman]

I lol'd.