Humor...I Need Humor...

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

My slightly different jokes are better than your slightly different jokes.

For one thing, they flow off the tongue better, and don't use extraneous words to convey what is essentially a visual joke (what is green and is ON ICE? Peggy's Phlegm? No...Peggy Phlegm. She skates, the joke is so obscure you don't need to throw a spanner in it by not exactly spelling out it's a skating thing. The joke with the last name is that you just stop...Peggy Flem...)

I picture a spider, wriggling and wriggling and tickling beside her, stapled through the middle to a chicken.

I cannot picture a punk rocker doing same.

You are right about Peggy's Phlegm, that's the correct way to tell the joke, I couldn't remember it at the time.

Spiders and staples? what? Punk rockers and pins, staples, studs, piercing, it's like bacon and eggs.

[infinite monkey]

But the joke isn't supposed to have a tie-in!

It's just weird. Like a brown stick.

Come ON, man!

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by monster

That (^) made me think of this (v).

[Lamplighter]

Gads, I had to go to my keyboard and then to Google to get that one !

[Nirvana]

Wild Alabama Party Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday. Thought you’d like to come.” “Great,” says Sam, “after 6 months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinking.” “Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.” Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Damn, Sam thinks. Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for 6 months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?” Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”


>[fade to Dueling Banjos]

[Nirvana]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[Lamplighter]

Nirvana, my wife hates it when I try to tell her a joke, but that one really got her giggling.

[footfootfoot]

I read that as "Nirvana, my wife, hates it when..."

I was way confused. How the hell did I miss that?

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Please tell me that actually happened?

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Please tell me that actually happened?

Yes, it did. 5,740 times in fact:
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...#39;t+we%3F%22

[Lamplighter]

Oh, Ft3. I'd have rather believed it was true.

[footfootfoot]

I'm sure it has happened more than once, for real, as any parent with glitter loving kids will attest.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Yes, it did. 5,740 times in fact:
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...#39;t+we%3F%22

And it keeps happening! Ten more times since yesterday, now 5,750.

[footfootfoot]

That's a lot of sparkly taints!

[classicman]

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................



1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells