Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 288

Nirvana · 12-06-2011, 10:22 PM

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
get old by being stupid!

monster · 12-06-2011, 11:51 PM

.

Pete Zicato · 12-06-2011, 11:56 PM

No fair. I almost woke Mrs. Z up.

Great movie btw.

Gravdigr · 12-07-2011, 08:52 AM

Name: Captureghdfghdf.JPG
Views: 525
Size: 106.5 KB

infinite monkey · 12-07-2011, 08:56 AM

What do you do if you see your husband stumbling around the back yard?

Shoot him again.

glatt · 12-07-2011, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

Hey mititelu

check this out: I think you'll like it.

Hey, look at that. We have a thread where racist and sexist jokes can go.

footfootfoot · 12-07-2011, 10:50 AM

Those were pretty funny though they were in the wrong thread. The first one I heard as a Jewish grandmother telling the homeless man "Force yourself"

UncaDollas · 12-08-2011, 03:02 PM

classicman · 12-08-2011, 11:32 PM

Just to keep things moving from the stupid "thing" above ...

The Dali Lama walks into a Pizza shop and asks

Can you make me one with everything?

regular.joe · 12-09-2011, 09:17 AM

Here is a video to try and make up for that other video. I laughed at quite a few, but I'm a simple guy.

infinite monkey · 12-09-2011, 09:17 AM

To assist with the moving along:

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

monster · 12-09-2011, 12:57 PM

...and then she hit him

Nirvana · 12-09-2011, 01:39 PM

FIFY

and then she shot him

GunMaster357 · 12-09-2011, 03:05 PM

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Gravdigr · 12-12-2011, 04:58 AM

From 51 jokes in 4 minutes:

Quote:

Q: What did the YouTuber say when he came in fifth place in a race? A: First!!

I don't get it.

12-06-2011, 10:22 PM	#4306
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to." There are a few lessons for all of us here: Don't be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always make sure you know who is in control. *And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-06-2011, 11:51 PM	#4307
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	. Attached Images __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-06-2011, 11:56 PM	#4308
Pete Zicato Turns out my CRS is a symptom of TMB. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Chicago suburbs Posts: 2,916	No fair. I almost woke Mrs. Z up. Great movie btw. __________________ Talk nerdy to me.

12-07-2011, 08:52 AM	#4309
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

12-07-2011, 10:50 AM	#4312
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Those were pretty funny though they were in the wrong thread. The first one I heard as a Jewish grandmother telling the homeless man "Force yourself" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-07-2011, 08:56 AM	#4310
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	What do you do if you see your husband stumbling around the back yard? Shoot him again.

12-08-2011, 03:02 PM	#4313
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72

12-08-2011, 11:32 PM	#4314
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Just to keep things moving from the stupid "thing" above ... The Dali Lama walks into a Pizza shop and asks Can you make me one with everything? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

12-09-2011, 09:17 AM	#4315
regular.joe Старый сержант Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: NC, dreaming of large Russian women. Posts: 1,464	Here is a video to try and make up for that other video. I laughed at quite a few, but I'm a simple guy. __________________ Birth, wealth, and position are valueless during wartime. Man is only judged by his character --Soldier's Testament. Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature. - Marcus Aurelius. Last edited by regular.joe; 12-09-2011 at 09:18 AM. Reason: I wish I could type.

12-09-2011, 09:17 AM	#4316
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	To assist with the moving along: Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

12-09-2011, 12:57 PM	#4317
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	...and then she hit him __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-09-2011, 01:39 PM	#4318
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	FIFY and then she shot him __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

12-09-2011, 03:05 PM	#4319
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

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