Humor...I Need Humor...

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by Molasar

it was time for the moles to go on the great sugar migration.

all the moles got in line astern with Daddy Mole, the strongest, right at the front where the hard tunnelling had to be done.
all the rest of the tribe lined up after Daddy with Baby Mole bringing up the rear.
Daddy Mole warned them that the journey would be long and hard stop sniggering at all the knob gags you just thought of and that when they could smell sugar they would know they were close to journey's end.

They set off, nose to tail, strongest to weakest, carrying all their possessions.
After about half an hour Baby Mole got really excited and, shouting "I can smell sugar, I can smell sugar" he rushed past all the other moles to tell his dad, knocking them flying and scattering their stuff everywhere.
Daddy Mole told him "no son, that ain't sugar, not yet, now back to your place in the line".
So Baby Mole crept back past the rest of the tribe who were picking up all their stuff and getting ready to move on again.

half an hour later the same thing happened, then a thurd time again another half an hour after that.p

This time Daddy Mole said very sternly "you've GOT to stop doing this, it ain't sugar until I tell you, now DON'T do it again!!"

Baby Mole shamefaced went back to his place and they started off again.

After an hour Baby Mole could smell sugar, but after the bollocking he'd had the previous time, he waited until his Daddy announced it.
but the announcement never came and they were still tunnelling away real hard.

eventually the smell of sugar was driving Baby Mole nuts so he decided he just had to go to Daddy Mole to tell him.

again he sent all the tribe of moles flying until he reached Daddy Mole saying excitedly "I really can smell sugar this time Daddy, this time i really really can smell sugar, honest"

Daddy looked down at Baby Mole and said
"Son, it still ain't sugar
and you got to learn to
smell the difference between sugar and molasses

I don't get this joke at all.

[infinite monkey]

Oh dear lawd...as I was making a smart ass comment in another thread, alluding to this joke, I got the joke.

Drrrrr

[Molasar]

Lolololololol PMSL
that joke works best when told in an American accent preferably but not necessarily from the Deep Fried South.
I, your guest from a foreign country, acting like any good guest should by not shitting on the rug for example, posted it on a forum of American origin where the majority of the population is American.
and despite the Americans having home advantage plus me ingratiating myself by telling a gag that really only works for Americans, it's a Yank that gives me a hard time over it.
Pffffft!

ok, the punchline again in phonetic generic American with a Texan twist:
"sern, it's about tahm ya lurnda smell'a diffrunce atween sherger an' mole asses"



just to make you feel worse I haven't yet done you on the 'handle' thread.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid!

[infinite monkey]

I'se from Ohio. We ain't got no accents.

[Molasar]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

I'se from Ohio. We ain't got no accents.

yaw mama!!
boow-shit you ain't got no acc-ceyent, faw shaw.

(to be honest I'm far more comfortable with typing phonetic Briddish accents, I can only do one American one which is a mash-up of accents from all the imported American TV programmes we get here.
and here's me, in years past the only member of my am-dram club that got to play Americans because nobody else could do the accents)

[Molasar]

my girlfriend said "I just shaved my pussy, and you know what that means"

I replied "yeah, the drain's blocked".

[Molasar]

old couple Albert and Doris go on the game show 'Mr & Mrs' where the first prize is a month's cruise first class all-inclusive plus £25,000 cash.
yheyveach have to answer three questions separately and if they both give the same answers they win the prize.

Albert goes first so Doris goes in the soundproof booth.

first question is Doris's favourite food
Albert answers "steak and kidney pie"

second question is "where did you first meet"
Albert answers "university in freshers week"

last question "where's the most embarrassing place you've had sex?"
Albert answers "on the hotel balcony forgetting the other hotel across the street"

then Doris cones back and is asked the same question

favourite food, steak and kidney pie, correct

where they first met, freshers week at university, correct

by this time the studio audience is desperate for this lovely old couple to win the prize they're whooping and cheering her on.

final question for the big prize, "where's the most embarrassing place you've had sex?"
and Doris thinks a moment and replies "up my arse"

[Nirvana]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man
would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave
and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her
neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he
may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for
the rest of your life?"

HERE IT COMES!!!


The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I
know he won't ask for directions."

[Gravdigr]

[monster]

[Gravdigr]

HAH!! The counselor's name is "Hugh Jripov".

[monster]

[Nirvana]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Clodfobble]

This is the funniest damn thing I've seen in awhile (and no, you don't have to be a big fan of the show to get it: )



Also, the extended scenes that didn't make the final cut:

[Elspode]

.