Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

I never heard Emo do it, but did hear it on Saturday Night Live years ago. I think it was Al Franken, but I wouldn't put a nickel on that.

[busterb]

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.



I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the fuck I am now...

[BigV]

hahahahahahahahaaa!

[Cyclefrance]

Please take care - this could happen to anyone!

One of the problems of British humour ( or maybe I shouldn't say that as it's Irish)

[BigV]

priceless!

[Lola Bunny]

Oh my goodness...that was hilarious!

[lumberjim]

English men in drag are always funny

[monster]

my face hurts

[xoxoxoBruce]

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED

AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.

AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.

AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[Carruthers]

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps.



Then again, perhaps not.

[DanaC]

Ha!

Couple of minor points:

@ Jim - that's an Irish man, not an English man.

@ Bruce - we pay a tax to watch tv regardless of the number of channels (I think there are around 50 'free' channels. More can be got through subscription but they still require the licence fee to be paid.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Carruthers

..... and, I suspect, written by one of us frightfully nice British chaps.

Then again, perhaps not.

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

[Carruthers]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Damifino, but it came from an Aussie site.

That's different then.

They can take the blame/credit as applicable.

[Gravdigr]

[Cyclefrance]

We used to be able to make fun of our various nationalities this side of the pond, but now we're prevented from doing so - PC and all that. But I'm sure there's some clause somewhere about it being OK to re-circulate jokes that were in existence before the law came into effect, you know, a bit like you can still buy and sell old ivory pre 1947 or something, and a few other things of a similar nature. Anyway, I'm going to take a chance. Found these at the bottom of a box that has done nothing but pass from one attic to another untouched until now, as we moved houses over the years. If you've heard them before, well tough titty, but I reckon these were born before most of you were even twinkles in your parents eyes - oh, and the fact they are all about the Irish is just coincidence, pure coincidence, could be about anyone...:


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

--------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

--------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

-------------- ------------ --------------

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'