Humor...I Need Humor...

[fargon]

How do you know?

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One thing I know for sure about President The Donald, he won't be using Teddy Roosevelt's "speak softly, and carry a big stick" plan...

...Trump's mouth is too big, and his hands are too small.

[Gravdigr]

The very definition of 'trust':

Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.

[footfootfoot]

A rapist, a narcissist, and a bigot walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, Mr. President?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere" says Gerry "Put dem in a peeper bag". The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good" replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis". Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shootin' nider!"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

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[captainhook455]

Three men in a raft. A preacher, doctor and a lawyer. They sight land and try as they might can't hand paddle closer to the beach. Someone has to swim for help. Preacher couldn't go, might have to administer last rites. Doctor said he might have to save a life. Lawyer said no problem and started swimming for shore. A great white shark started trailing the lawyer. The doctor and preacher started hollering. The lawyer turned his head as the great white came beside him laying his hand on a fin and then towed to shore. When the doctor and preacher were brought back to land by the coast guard they met with the lawyer. " Man we thought you was gone when that shark swam to you. Then it just towed you to land," said the preacher. The lawyer said, " no problem it was just professional courtesy. "

tarheel

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This girl had on a tube top that said, 'Hottie.' I was thinking, 'This bitch has a good sense of humor.' 'Sweaty' might have been a better word. I don't know how big she was, but she had on a tube top, and those little hip huggers -- looked like a can of biscuits had popped open.

[footfootfoot]

I think that joke needs a bit more work.

[Gravdigr]

Well, it needs to be heard, not read.

Plus:

I copy/pasted it from a joke site that may, or may not use English as it's first language.

All ya need is the visual anyway. Grammatical perfection was not the aim at any point in the manufacture of that joke, I don't believe.

But, you are correct.

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