Humor...I Need Humor...

[Bitman]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Science questions:

What do you call the answer to a rhetorical question?

If Catholics only have mass on Sundays, do they cease to exist the rest of the week?

Wrong definition of "mass".

How can I access my Daylight Savings account?

Wrong definition of "savings".

Why are red-handed people more genetically predisposed to crime?

Funny, but "red-handed" is just a figure of speech (i.e. non-sensical when take literally.)

If 200,000 people die every year from drowning and 200,000 people have already drowned this year, does that mean I can breathe under water?

That's not how statistics works.

I just bought a Prius. At what point do I develop a sense of superiority, and will I still be able to eat gluten?

If you're asking this, your inferiority complex has other causes. Gluten tolerance is orthogonal to the car question.

Can we achieve higher education by building taller schools?

Wrong definition of "higher".

If the body replaces all of it cells every 7 years, shouldn't we release all inmates after 7 years as they're not the same person anymore?

Genuinely good question. You might look into where the sense of "self" comes from, and where the urge to commit crime comes from.

How come some mountains look like presidents?

You got cause and effect backwards.

Since humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas, can scientists merge two bananas to create a human?

That's not how genetics work, not how bananas work, not how humans work.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

You got cause and effect backwards.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Wrong definition of "moron". Bonus answer: Proposed definition of "moron" is not a thing, but you might want to look into the concept of memetics.

Is the Islamic State solid, liquid or gas?

Wrong definition of "state".

Before light bulbs were invented, how did people get ideas?

People always had ideas, the light bulb is merely a modern symbol for such.

Does it take 18 months for twins to be born?

No, twins gestate simutaneously.

If a circle is 360 degrees, why can't I cook food in one?

Wrong definition of "degree".

I just found out I am bipolar. Should I avoid magnets?

Wrong definition of "bipolar".

From which sheep do we get steel wool?

"Wool" in this context is just a metaphor.

When will the gorilla at the zoo turn into a person?

That's not how evolution works.

Is the water bug the natural predator of the firefly?

No.

Did Schrodinger ever consider the fact that his cat had nine lives?

Cat's don't actually have nine lives, it's just a figure of speech.

Why don't we try and land on the sun at night?

It's always daytime in space.

If oxygen was discovered in 1783 by Antoine Lavoisier, how did people breathe before then?

Before oxygen, people breathed air.

If the human body is ~90% water, why can't we put out fires with our bodies?

You can, but not much fire, and only once.

If setting off nukes creates "nuclear winters", why don't we set off a few nukes to offset global warming?

Genuinely useful idea, if global warming ever gets bad enough. But there are many problems with using nukes, not least of which is the lingering radiation, and the results would be unpredictable.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

Wrong definition of "resistance".

What happens if a very stoppable force meets a very movable object?

Very good question. You would need to quantify the force and the object to determine which is stronger.

If Pi is never ending, why is there still world hunger?

You're thinking of "pie", a completely different thing.

Is HIV considered a "retro virus" because it started to be a problem in the 80s?

No.

Why does alcohol need proofs? Shouldn't we just take their word for it?

Wrong definition of "proof".

Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around their poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?

Strippers in both hemisphers spin around their poles in both directions. Humans are much strong than the coriolis force at human scale.

If sound can't travel through vacuums, why are they so loud?

Wrong definition of "vacuum".

How can we trust atoms if they make up everything?

Wrong definition of "make up".

If there's a new moon every month. Where does the old one go?

"New" is a metaphor, it's the same moon.

Why did ancient people bury so many buildings?

They didn't, that happens naturally.

How can fish hold their breath for so long underwater?

They don't, they actually breath the liquid water.

If Corn Oil is made from corn, and Olive Oil is made from olives, where does Baby Oil come from? (from TeamRed_vs_TeamBlue)

Petroleum, usually.

If love is blind, should I be worried that I can see my wife?

A better question is: If you care what your wife looks like, do you really love her?

How far does light travel in dog years?

Nonsensical question, please re-think your premise.

Since penguins wear little tuxedos, why don't they simply take them off and wash them when there's an oil spill?

The concept of penguin tuxedos is totally fabricated. Like all animals, penguins are naked.

If 666 is Satan's number, does that make 25.8069758011 the root of all evil?

Wrong definition of "root".

Will Curiosity kill all of the cats on Mars?

Wrong definition of "curiosity".

If anions are negative and cations are positive, what charge are onions?

Macro-scale objects are not said to carry a charge.

Why are research drugs only tested on blind patients?

The testing is blind, not the patients.

Who repairs the sound barrier?

Air is self-repairing.

How did they get the Mississippi River to line up EXACTLY to the state border?

You got cause and effect backwards.

I got Laser-eye surgery a month ago, but I still can't shoot lasers out of my eyes. Should I get a refund?

You put the hyphen in the wrong place. If the doctor actually advertised it like this, you might have a claim.

Why would string need a theory? (from RCS reader David Eisenberg)

Wrong definition of "string".

Where on the periodic table is the element of Surprise? (from RCS reader Nemo_of_Erehwon)

Wrong definition of "element".

How did the thesaurus survive the dinosaur extinction?

A thesaurus is not a dinosaur. Bonus answer: Ironically, thesauruses did not exist before the exitinction, only after.

We've long known the speed of light, but what is the speed of heavy?

Current theories state that it's exactly the same as the speed of light.

My neighbor said he's an "acidic Jew". Are there basic Jews? What happens if you combine one of each?

Wrong definition of "acidic", likely mis-interpretation of the word "Hasidic". Bonus answer: What does it mean to "combine" humans? What are you even doing in your lab? Do I need to call the police?!

Why does the amount of people required to change a light bulb vary so greatly between cultural groups?

Because humor varies greatly between cultural groups.

Do hydrophobic objects yell slurs at water when they see it?

Wrong definition of "phobic".

Where on the periodic table is the element of surprise? Has it been discovered yet or is it expected to appear suddenly?

Please read the FAQ before posting questions.

Is a right angle 90° celsius or 90° fahrenheit?

Wrong definition of "degree".

If you put a vial of Germanium (Ge) next to a vial of Francium (Fr), will the Ge occupy the Fr?

No.

How did humans reproduce before the discovery of alcohol?

Sober.

Looking at a map of the US, I noticed that the states all perfectly fit together with no gaps. How is this possible?

You got cause and effect backwards.

If Pluto is a Dwarf planet, shouldn't we try to contact the Dwarves living there?

Wrong definition of "dwarf".

[xoxoxoBruce]

If the body replaces all of it cells every 7 years, shouldn't we release all inmates after 7 years as they're not the same person anymore?

Genuinely good question. You might look into where the sense of "self" comes from, and where the urge to commit crime comes from.

The urge comes from red hands.

[glatt]

Hi Bitman!

[footfootfoot]

Bitman gets 100 for dedication to humor!

Note: Human bodies, despite being mostly water by weight, are actually very flammable and not recommended for extinguishing fires. (source: acquaintance who caught fire and survived.)

Also cf: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sponta...man_combustion

The "wick effect" hypothesis suggests that a small external flame source, such as a burning cigarette, chars the clothing of the victim at a location, splitting the skin and releasing subcutaneous fat, which is in turn absorbed into the burned clothing, acting as a wick. This combustion can continue for as long as the fuel is available. This hypothesis has been successfully tested with animal tissue (pig) and is consistent with evidence recovered from cases of human combustion.[17][18] The human body typically has enough stored energy in fat and other chemical stores to fully combust the body; even lean people have several pounds of fat in their tissues. This fat, once heated by the burning clothing, wicks into the clothing much as candle wax (which typically was originally made of animal fat) wicks into a lit candle wick to provide the fuel needed to keep the wick burning.[19] The protein in the body also burns, but provides less energy than fat, with the water in the body being the main impediment to combustion. However, slow combustion, lasting hours, gives the water time to evaporate slowly. In an enclosed area, such as a house, this moisture will recondense nearby, such as on windows.[citation needed] Note that feet often have the least fat, so don't typically burn. (Hands also have little fat, but may burn if on the abdomen, which provides all the needed fat.)

[captainhook455]

You guys quit this. Thinking makes my head hurt.

[Gravdigr]

Are Bitman and Footfootfoot the same person?

Cuz they react to humor in a similar fashion.

[BigV]

No.

[xoxoxoBruce]

The human body typically has enough stored energy in fat and other chemical stores to fully combust the body; even lean people have several pounds of fat in their tissues.

Shit, I could burn up town.

[Gravdigr]

You take care of uptown...

...I'll take care of downtown.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Are Bitman and Footfootfoot the same person?

Cuz they react to humor in a similar fashion.

I was being a bit sarcastic, but I did appreciate the anti-joke meta quality of his post.

e.g. Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
A: The holocaust.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I don't know. Biting an apple and finding a worm... worse, half a worm, is about Meeee!. The holocaust is about somebody I don't know, halfway around the world, I'm not related to. Hmm, tough choice.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Another national map from XDTC...

[captainhook455]

I'm sorry. This was for LJ and I was wondering what it says.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

I don't know. Biting an apple and finding a worm... worse, half a worm, is about Meeee!. The holocaust is about somebody I don't know, halfway around the world, I'm not related to. Hmm, tough choice.

The other variant that I like is:

What's worse than a bee sting?
The holocaust.
What's worse than the holocaust?
Two bee stings.

Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

etc.

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

http://www.anti-joke.com/

[BigV]

SonofV's *favorite* type of humor. It can be kind of exhausting after the first few hours... but then I remember what an improvement it represented when it displaced rape jokes.