Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of His fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?" asked Jon.
The Mexican said His small catch was sufficient to meet His needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and make love to my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, flirt with the senioritas, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied Jon.

"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting," answered Jon, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[xoxoxoBruce]

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say `I now pronounce you man and wife`?" asked the first.
"Yes?" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, 'Damn it boy, you really fucked it up this time, huh.'"

[Madman]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Sundae]

While walking down the street a man notices that a fellow pedestrian has a small orange instead of a head. Somewhat perturbed by this strange sight, he asks the man with the orange for a head how he came to have a fruit in place of his bonce.

"Well," orange head says, "I found a lamp while I was out for a walk yesterday, and when I rubbed it a genie appeared. He granted me three wishes. First I wished for £20 million."

"And did you get it?" the name with the normal head asked.

"Yes," the orange headed man replied. "So for my second wish I asked for a gorgeous group of willing women to appear and fulfil all my sexual fantasies. And that happened too."

"My God, man," the normal bloke said. "What on earth did you ask for on your third wish?"

"Isn't it obvious?" said the man. "I wished I had an orange for a head."

[Griff]

Nice!

[Sundae]

Little Timmy and little Bobby go to visit their Grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a progressive household and their parents let them swear, hoping to get it out of their systems. Grandma accepts this at first, but after a week of solid cursing and swearing she just can't listen to it any more and goes to see her friend Maude to get some advice.

"As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude. "Next time they swear, hit them good and hard and they'll soon make the connection."
"I can't do that!" says the Grandma, shocked at the thought. "They're my grandchildren!"

"Look," says Maude, "It's the only way to teach them things are different at your house."

So Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning, Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "What would you like for breakfast?"

To which Bobby replies, "I'll have some of them fucking cornflakes."

Grandma lashes out with a right hook and knocks Bobby clean off his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked. Next Grandma turns to Timmy. "And what would you like for breakfast?"

Timmy looks at his brother, then back to his grandmother, and says, "I don't know - but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!"

[Madman]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam."

[pourbill]

One of those first warm days of summer two secretaries decide to have lunch at the zoo. After a bit they find themselves fooling around in front of the gorilla cage. One in particular was really teasing the big male, bending over to show as much cleavage as possible and lewdly spreading her legs. To their dismay the gorilla rips apart the bars and is on the little teaser within a heartbeat, brutally ravishing her.

The next day her friend visits her in the hospital. As she approahes her bruised and bandaged friend she asks, "does it hurt?"

"Does it hurt? No candy, no flowers, no phone call."

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by pourbill

One of those first warm days of summer two secretaries decide to have lunch at the zoo. After a bit they find themselves fooling around in front of the gorilla cage. One in particular was really teasing the big male, bending over to show as much cleavage as possible and lewdly spreading her legs. To their dismay the gorilla rips apart the bars and is on the little teaser within a heartbeat, brutally ravishing her.

The next day her friend visits her in the hospital. As she approahes her bruised and bandaged friend she asks, "does it hurt?"

"Does it hurt? No candy, no flowers, no phone call."

I would have just been standing there yelling "Next!"

[luvclowns]

A woman has a 2 week old baby are in the pediatrician's office and after weighing the infant, the doctor says, "This baby hasn't gained enough weight. Is he bottle fed or breast fed?" The woman replies, "Breast fed." The doctor says, "Well, I'm going to have to examine you...please remove your shirt and bra." She does so and the doctor begins to massage her breasts and pinch her nipples. "You don't have any milk!" he says. She replies, "No, I don't....I'm his grandma...but I'm really glad I came today!"

[BrianR]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[BrianR]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

[BrianR]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[BrianR]

Subject: Eight Little Words

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female . . Any part under a car's hood.
Male . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male . . . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female . . A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female . . An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male . . . A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)! n.
Female . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male . . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.