Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 101

11-27-2007, 03:33 AM

Cyclefrance · 11-27-2007, 03:22 PM

That's my boy!

Most featured on UK youtube at the moment....

(I know there is a way to imbed this, it's just that I don't know the way!)

Sundae · 11-27-2007, 05:29 PM

That's brilliant CF

BTW I worked out where my weird dream about a bus that drove itself came from the other night - the joke about the guys pushing the car. Thanks mate, it was really creepy!

Cyclefrance · 11-28-2007, 11:14 AM

International Relations:

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order
to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look
fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer
than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root
cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so
they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsakendeserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done
and go shopping.

TheMercenary · 11-28-2007, 11:45 PM

Sounds about right, leaches, everyone of them.

Cyclefrance · 11-29-2007, 04:44 AM

A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured troop what had happened.

The troop reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
Highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to Drive.

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
Mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ''Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!''

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us.'

xoxoxoBruce · 12-01-2007, 09:54 PM

A 1000 year old riddle....

Swings by his thigh / a thing most magical!
Below the belt / beneath the folds
Of his clothes it hangs / a hole in its front end,
stiff-set and stout / it swivels about.

Levelling the head / of this hanging tool,
its wielder hoists his hem / above his knee;
it is his will to fill / a well-known hole
that it fits fully / when at full length

He's oft filled it before. / Now he fills it again.

What is it?

His key.

Crimson Ghost · 12-02-2007, 01:42 AM

CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

***************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*******************************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will
get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks!!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!!!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

sikcboy · 12-02-2007, 08:03 PM

A plane crashed over a desert island, 2 men and one woman.

After a couple of weeks the sexual tension became too much.

Thay came to an agreement, the woman was to be with one man one week and the other man the next week.

For a few weeks this worked.

After a while the first man said 'this is becoming a bit too much'.

After the second week the second man said 'this is becoming a bit bad'.

After the third week the first man said 'this is becoming awful'.

Afrter the forth week the second man said 'shall we bury her?'

ZenGum · 12-02-2007, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sikcboy

A plane crashed over a desert island, 2 men and one woman.

After a couple of weeks the sexual tension became too much.

Thay came to an agreement, the woman was to be with one man one week and the other man the next week.

For a few weeks this worked.

After a while the first man said 'this is becoming a bit too much'.

After the second week the second man said 'this is becoming a bit bad'.

After the third week the first man said 'this is becoming awful'.

Afrter the forth week the second man said 'shall we bury her?'

After the fifth week the first man said "This is becoming a bit too much".

After the sixth week the second man said "This is becoming a bit bad".

After the seventh week the first man said "This is becoming awful".

After the eighth week the second man said "Shall we dig her up again?"

Aliantha · 12-02-2007, 10:55 PM

ok, now that was very funny in a very sick sort of way.

classicman · 12-03-2007, 02:25 PM

Love those Scots!

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet ... and then said ... "Weel then, foockin' stop doin' it, ya evil bastard!"

binky · 12-03-2007, 02:46 PM

LOL

Cicero · 12-03-2007, 03:03 PM

In the vein of sick jokes:

What is the difference between a yellow 2001 MR2....and a dead decomposing body?!?

1) I don't have an MR2 in my garage...

and

2) I don't eat MR2's

:0

jester · 12-03-2007, 04:23 PM

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For
the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE

11-27-2007, 03:22 PM	#1502
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	That's my boy! Most featured on UK youtube at the moment.... (I know there is a way to imbed this, it's just that I don't know the way!) __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 11-28-2007 at 12:35 AM.

11-27-2007, 05:29 PM	#1503
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	That's brilliant CF BTW I worked out where my weird dream about a bus that drove itself came from the other night - the joke about the guys pushing the car. Thanks mate, it was really creepy! __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

11-28-2007, 11:14 AM	#1504
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	International Relations: On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsakendeserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping. __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

11-28-2007, 11:45 PM	#1505
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Sounds about right, leaches, everyone of them. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

11-29-2007, 04:44 AM	#1506
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured troop what had happened. The troop reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the Highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. 'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to Drive. 'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, Mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ''Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!'' 'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us.' __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

12-01-2007, 09:54 PM	#1507
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A 1000 year old riddle.... Swings by his thigh / a thing most magical! Below the belt / beneath the folds Of his clothes it hangs / a hole in its front end, stiff-set and stout / it swivels about. Levelling the head / of this hanging tool, its wielder hoists his hem / above his knee; it is his will to fill / a well-known hole that it fits fully / when at full length He's oft filled it before. / Now he fills it again. What is it? His key. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-02-2007, 01:42 AM	#1508
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2007 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty ************************************************* FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2007 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty ************************************************* FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2007 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. *************************************************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty ******************************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2007 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks!!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!!! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! ******************************************* FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2007 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

12-02-2007, 08:03 PM	#1509
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	A plane crashed over a desert island, 2 men and one woman. After a couple of weeks the sexual tension became too much. Thay came to an agreement, the woman was to be with one man one week and the other man the next week. For a few weeks this worked. After a while the first man said 'this is becoming a bit too much'. After the second week the second man said 'this is becoming a bit bad'. After the third week the first man said 'this is becoming awful'. Afrter the forth week the second man said 'shall we bury her?' __________________ do drugs fck every one up, or is it just that fcked up people take too many drugs?

12-02-2007, 10:55 PM	#1511
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	ok, now that was very funny in a very sick sort of way. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

12-03-2007, 02:25 PM	#1512
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Love those Scots! Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet ... and then said ... "Weel then, foockin' stop doin' it, ya evil bastard!"

12-03-2007, 02:46 PM	#1513
binky all hollowed out Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ridgecrest, CA Posts: 982	LOL __________________ The meanest Mom EVER!!!!

12-03-2007, 03:03 PM	#1514
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	In the vein of sick jokes: What is the difference between a yellow 2001 MR2....and a dead decomposing body?!? 1) I don't have an MR2 in my garage... and 2) I don't eat MR2's :0 __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung

12-03-2007, 04:23 PM	#1515
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians... The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE

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11-27-2007, 03:33 AM	#1501
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