Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."

[dar512]

From "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!":

I can't believe it's the year of the rat already. I'm still writing "Monkey" on all my checks.

[zewb]

"My dog doesn't have a nose."

"Well then, how does he smell?"

"Terrible."

[Happy Monkey]

Ah, Hitler's failed attempt at a killing joke.

[Aliantha]

Speaking of the germans:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

[Clodfobble]

I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard:

English-teaching alphabet blocks from China

[TheMercenary]

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[skysidhe]

[skysidhe]

[TheMercenary]

Jingle Bombs by Achmed the Dead Terrorist

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wskT6YfVB6E&feature=related

[TheMercenary]

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your evolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my panties.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my friends have always called my "self-imposed-exhile-week" or depending on the look in my eyes 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Xxxxxx fought the violent urge to shove her husband's testic|es into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager masculine brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S& M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and tequila and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or 'Consider the implications of 25 to life,' or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

ALWAYS.

Best, Kel_in_Sav

[monster]

WHAT'S SO FUCKING HUMOROUS ABOUT THAT????!!!!!111!!!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Poor Monster, must be that time of the month.








No wonder Beest is doing a MOPAR box.

[TheMercenary]

A good friend of mine actually wrote that. I thought it was pretty damm funny.

[classicman]

It is Merc... it is.