04-06-2008, 02:20 PM | #1801 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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FEMALE COME BACKS
Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together |
04-11-2008, 04:00 PM | #1802 |
barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy.
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 23,401
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The Dead Goldfish
A heart warming story of a little girl and her dead goldfish! Not all E-mail has to be crude. Now and then it is good to have one that is just cute and sweet.
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"like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt |
04-11-2008, 04:01 PM | #1803 |
Resident President
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Kanesatake, Québec, Canada
Posts: 86
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That 93 years old guy has been playing golf everyday for the last 30 years and one day he comes home all mad and says to his wife that this he will never play golf ever again.
You've been playing each and every days for the last 30years, you love the game. Why do you want to quit playing all of a sudden? He says that he still love the game ent that he is still in a good enough shape to hit the ball pretty far but his eyesight his so bad that he does'nt see where ball is. You should take your cousin with you, his eyesight is perfect and he will tell you where your ball went says the wife. He is 102 years old and he does'nt play golf says the old guy. It maybe so but he is still in godd shape et like I said, his eyesight is perfect the wife says. That may not be a bad idea says the old golfer, I will ask him. The next day they are both on the first tee-off the 93 years old golfer explain to his cousin that all he has to do his look where the ball go and guide him there. Don't worry says the 102 years old cousin, my eyes are perfect. The golfer gets into position and hit the ball, he turn to his cousin and asked if he saw where the ball went. Sure respond the cousin, I told you my eyes are perfect! Good, so tell me where is my ball? I forgot! says the cousin ps: sorry for my English, we French all speak funny |
04-11-2008, 05:05 PM | #1804 |
Snowflake
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dystopia
Posts: 13,136
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****************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio |
04-11-2008, 06:44 PM | #1805 |
To shreds, you say?
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet!
Posts: 18,449
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What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
Don't go back to those places.
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The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs |
04-11-2008, 08:18 PM | #1806 |
We have to go back, Kate!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 25,964
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lol i liked the simplicity of that one 3foot
I heard an amusing line on the radio today. Barry Cryer, a 73 year old british comedian: I've now replaced sex with food. In fact I just installed a mirror over the dining room table |
04-11-2008, 08:31 PM | #1807 |
We have to go back, Kate!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 25,964
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Sorry, I feel compelled to post more sketches from Man Stroke Woman......play these they're excellent.
Last edited by DanaC; 04-11-2008 at 08:37 PM. |
04-12-2008, 12:51 AM | #1808 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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How to hug a baby.
This is simplistic and cute. I'ts too long to post all the photos. There are captions beside each one. Here is the link.
http://www.dnaco.net/~vogelke/pictur...to-hug-a-baby/ |
04-12-2008, 09:36 AM | #1809 |
“Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo”
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Savannah, Georgia
Posts: 21,393
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Cute sky.
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Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012! |
04-12-2008, 03:02 PM | #1810 |
polaroid of perfection
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: West Yorkshire
Posts: 24,185
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Dana - Yay Man Stroke Woman!
Although it's hit & miss from my perspective, and this selection does prove that, I like 1 and 3 Great to see Katy Carmichael (I think - Twist from Spaced) back on tv But 2... Um... misses the mark with me. Although I accept I may be in the minority - I'm a great map reader.
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Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac |
04-13-2008, 02:29 PM | #1811 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
04-14-2008, 05:44 AM | #1812 |
Hi just me
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. " I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. " And the moral of this story is... ...Always keep your condoms in your car.
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silence is golden , duct tape is silver |
04-16-2008, 02:10 AM | #1813 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, ‘Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
04-16-2008, 02:06 PM | #1814 |
We have to go back, Kate!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 25,964
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Lush, that made me laugh a lot *applauds* nice delivery btw.
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04-17-2008, 11:17 PM | #1815 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,828
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thanks merc
---------------------------------------------------- Is Your Jar Full? When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer. A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes." The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." |
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