Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 139

BigV · 09-05-2008, 03:15 PM

:snort: hahahahah!

sweetwater · 09-06-2008, 12:44 AM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Houston Chronicle, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Alvin, Brazoria County, Texas, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Texas A&M, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

monster · 09-06-2008, 01:38 AM

I did lol at that one

Nirvana · 09-09-2008, 02:45 PM

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

BrianR · 09-10-2008, 03:10 PM

The Boston Globe
August 28th 2006

Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his

Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not
capable of beating anyone.

My name is mud · 09-10-2008, 07:47 PM

EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
Enlarge Image Mountain Lion

The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos.

The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine.

Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it.

"Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone."
Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault

Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.

"Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest.

The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly.

Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old.

"It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow."

The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.

Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.

HungLikeJesus · 09-10-2008, 08:52 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed side every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him as he whispered, his eyes full of tears,

'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side'...

'You know what?' he gently asked....

'What dear?' she gently replied, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck,....... get the fuck away from me.'

Cyclefrance · 09-11-2008, 04:03 AM

Expected effects of forthcoming predicted recession in Britain

.

Cyclefrance · 09-11-2008, 04:04 AM

it doesn't end there...:

,

Cyclefrance · 09-11-2008, 04:05 AM

....and finally:

.

monster · 09-11-2008, 08:09 AM

Who wants a full tank of petrol. Love it.

Radar · 09-11-2008, 04:07 PM

LOL!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianR

The Boston Globe
August 28th 2006

Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his

Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not
capable of beating anyone.

jester · 09-11-2008, 05:07 PM

Cinderella wants to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "what's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2: AM. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin". Cinderella agrees to be home by 2: AM.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.finally at 5:AM Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demand the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!"
"I met a prince Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other."

jester · 09-11-2008, 05:19 PM

A seemingly intoxicated cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

...."The balcony".... ..

jester · 09-11-2008, 05:28 PM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 " high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

'No kidding!!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

09-05-2008, 03:15 PM	#2071
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	:snort: hahahahah! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-06-2008, 12:44 AM	#2072
sweetwater lives inside a Mobius strip Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 1,120	After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' One week later, The Houston Chronicle, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Alvin, Brazoria County, Texas, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Texas A&M, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. __________________ I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque! - Bugs Bunny

09-06-2008, 01:38 AM	#2073
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I did lol at that one __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-10-2008, 03:10 PM	#2075
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	child custody case The Boston Globe August 28th 2006 Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

09-10-2008, 07:47 PM	#2076
My name is mud Smooth Ruffian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Austin Posts: 47	Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers. Enlarge Image Mountain Lion The quick-thinking cougar managed to escape by going for his attackers' vulnerable torsos. The mountain lion was reportedly enjoying a quiet afternoon walk around Redwood National Park, on the same path it had taken almost every single day for the past three years, when it heard a rustling sound emanating from the underbrush. Upon investigation, the large feline noticed that a pack of hikers—one adult male, two young children, and an adult female that it instantly recognized as the mother—had crossed into territory that the cat had clearly marked as its own via tree scrapings and urine. Outnumbered four to one, the cougar, fearing for its life, somehow managed to stay calm. It remained perfectly still in a crouched position and stared directly at the hikers, in the hopes that they would simply pass by. The hikers, however, were undeterred. They began shrieking loudly, clapping their hands, and throwing sticks and rocks at the animal in an apparent attempt to injure it. "Nothing can prepare a mountain lion for an encounter with four hikers," said park ranger Kenneth Meiggs, noting that it is unusual to find hikers in that particular area of the woods. "In order to defend itself, the cougar had to rely on pure instinct alone." Enlarge Image Anatomy Of An Assault Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw. "Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack," said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest. The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. She reportedly ran toward the mountain lion with a four-inch-wide log and began striking it upon the head. Not knowing what else to do, the feline tore a foot-wide hole in the hiker's stomach, but the enraged female continued to fight, poking the feline in the eye with her finger. The cougar, in a last-ditch effort for survival, whipped its claws across the woman's throat, killing her instantly. Remarkably, this brave mountain lion is only 4 and a half years old. "It's amazing what some mountain lions are capable of when faced with the most dire of circumstances," Meiggs said. "To think that those hikers were a mere 20 yards away, and the lion walked away unscathed…. Wow." The two younger hikers received small lacerations on their legs and chest, while the adult male is being treated for massive head trauma and internal bleeding. The mother, identified as Cyndi Thalls, 38, of Pacoima, CA, was pronounced dead at the scene. "I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle. Following the incident, the mountain lion retreated into the woods, escaping with nothing more than a few minor scratches and a blood-covered snout. At press time, it is resting comfortably on a large rock.

09-09-2008, 02:45 PM	#2074
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

09-10-2008, 08:52 PM	#2077
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Wonderful marriage story A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed side every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him as he whispered, his eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side'... 'You know what?' he gently asked.... 'What dear?' she gently replied, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I think you're bad luck,....... get the fuck away from me.' __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

09-11-2008, 04:03 AM	#2078
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Expected effects of forthcoming predicted recession in Britain . Attached Images __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-11-2008, 04:04 AM	#2079
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	it doesn't end there...: , Attached Images __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-11-2008, 04:05 AM	#2080
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	....and finally: . Attached Images __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-11-2008, 08:09 AM	#2081
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Who wants a full tank of petrol. Love it. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-11-2008, 05:07 PM	#2083
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Cinderella wants to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "what's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2: AM. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin". Cinderella agrees to be home by 2: AM. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.finally at 5:AM Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demand the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!" "I met a prince Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other."

09-11-2008, 05:19 PM	#2084
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A seemingly intoxicated cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Fred," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, ...."The balcony".... ..

09-11-2008, 05:28 PM	#2085
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 " high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.' 'No kidding!!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

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