Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 148

classicman · 10-28-2008, 01:48 PM

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

jinx · 10-28-2008, 07:48 PM

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need-- the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

DanaC · 10-28-2008, 07:58 PM

......or, you could have tipped the waiter $8 and given $2 to the homeless guy.

better still, since you're affluent enough to eat out, tip the waiter his $10 and give the homeless guy a few bucks of your money :P

jinx · 10-28-2008, 08:08 PM

You *could* do a lot of things, until you give away the power to decide.

classicman · 10-28-2008, 10:38 PM

Abortion = My body, my choice ... Taxes = My money, my choice.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-29-2008, 12:53 AM

Damn, this is the fucking humor thread, folks. sigh... I'll be glad when this election is over.

ZenGum · 10-29-2008, 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

sigh... I'll be glad when this election is over.

That's what she said.

Oh wait, that only works in Japan.

classicman · 10-29-2008, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Damn, this is the fucking humor thread, folks.

You are correct xob - I didn't realize that till just now - feel free to delete my post.

jinx · 10-29-2008, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Damn, this is the fucking humor thread, folks. sigh... I'll be glad when this election is over.

Dana started it. :p

classicman · 10-29-2008, 11:27 AM

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

classicman · 10-29-2008, 11:29 AM

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

Sundae · 10-29-2008, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

That sir, is disgusting.

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, 'Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing'.
'What do they say?' the priest inquired
'They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'yawanna have some fun?'

'That's terrible!' exclaimed the priest, 'but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead.'
'Thank you' the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said 'Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?'

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims 'Put the bible down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!

classicman · 10-29-2008, 11:44 AM

A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

classicman · 10-29-2008, 11:56 AM

Top Ten Signs A Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

DanaC · 10-29-2008, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

Dana started it. :p

Grass! :p

10-28-2008, 01:48 PM	#2206
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-28-2008, 07:48 PM	#2207
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed. Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence. When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need-- the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn. I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

10-28-2008, 08:08 PM	#2209
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	You could do a lot of things, until you give away the power to decide. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

10-28-2008, 10:38 PM	#2210
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Abortion = My body, my choice ... Taxes = My money, my choice. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2008, 12:53 AM	#2211
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Damn, this is the fucking humor thread, folks. sigh... I'll be glad when this election is over. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-28-2008, 07:58 PM	#2208
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	......or, you could have tipped the waiter $8 and given $2 to the homeless guy. better still, since you're affluent enough to eat out, tip the waiter his $10 and give the homeless guy a few bucks of your money :P

10-29-2008, 11:27 AM	#2215
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2008, 11:29 AM	#2216
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2008, 11:44 AM	#2218
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here." "No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?" "Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-29-2008, 11:56 AM	#2219
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Top Ten Signs A Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive). 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is... 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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