Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 168

classicman · 02-05-2009, 08:39 PM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs, etc...

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

classicman · 02-05-2009, 08:40 PM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo -woo
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the entire time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

* If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you.

classicman · 02-05-2009, 09:18 PM

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.....'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f..... blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Sundae · 02-08-2009, 10:17 AM

Classic - I printed out the OAP jokes for my parents (with a tiny bit of translation). Very funny.

Madman · 02-10-2009, 10:01 AM

One morning 3 Alabama good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the
Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3
Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "ticket please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed
Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it..

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...

SteveDallas · 02-10-2009, 12:27 PM

When I heard it, it was mathematicians and engineers.

Madman · 02-10-2009, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

When I heard it, it was mathematicians and engineers.

When I heard it, it was 3 Alabama good old boys and 3 Yankees. Which, by the way, was the better choice.

capnhowdy · 02-10-2009, 04:43 PM

That would be good as a priest/rabbi joke too.

Two doctors who had just met were lying in bed together after sex. The male dr says "You must be an OBGYN, as good as you can handle that pussy". She replied "And you must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing".

Aliantha · 02-10-2009, 06:05 PM

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....

Shawnee123 · 02-10-2009, 06:56 PM

That gave me a giggle. Ain't it the trute?

Aliantha · 02-10-2009, 07:00 PM

absolutely.

SteveDallas · 02-12-2009, 12:01 AM

It's about damned time.

capnhowdy · 02-12-2009, 08:34 AM

Only at The Onion. I love it.

TheMercenary · 02-12-2009, 10:25 AM

When not to hyphenate your happy names.

http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married....20.462840.html

Shawnee123 · 02-12-2009, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

It's about damned time.

That is hilarious.

02-05-2009, 08:39 PM	#2506
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs, etc... Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-05-2009, 08:40 PM	#2507
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo -woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the entire time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. * If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-05-2009, 09:18 PM	#2508
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.....' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f..... blanket.' After a moment of silence, ......................he farted. The End __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-08-2009, 10:17 AM	#2509
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Classic - I printed out the OAP jokes for my parents (with a tiny bit of translation). Very funny. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

02-10-2009, 10:01 AM	#2510
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	3 Alabama good old boys and 3 Yankees One morning 3 Alabama good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game. The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them. "How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South. When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "ticket please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys. When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please". There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...

02-10-2009, 12:27 PM	#2511
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	When I heard it, it was mathematicians and engineers.

02-10-2009, 04:43 PM	#2513
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	That would be good as a priest/rabbi joke too. Two doctors who had just met were lying in bed together after sex. The male dr says "You must be an OBGYN, as good as you can handle that pussy". She replied "And you must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing". __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

02-10-2009, 06:05 PM	#2514
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased . . . . And Dog was happy. . . . . And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.... __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-10-2009, 06:56 PM	#2515
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	That gave me a giggle. Ain't it the trute? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

02-10-2009, 07:00 PM	#2516
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	absolutely. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-12-2009, 12:01 AM	#2517
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	It's about damned time.

02-12-2009, 08:34 AM	#2518
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Only at The Onion. I love it. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

02-12-2009, 10:25 AM	#2519
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	When not to hyphenate your happy names. http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married....20.462840.html __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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