Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 171

classicman · 03-04-2009, 08:39 PM

Nirvana · 03-05-2009, 11:52 AM

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Kaliayev · 03-06-2009, 08:13 AM

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

JuancoRocks · 03-07-2009, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zhuge Liang

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

I've been warned twice and I still read it twice. It's mesmerizing.
What does that mean?

Flint · 03-07-2009, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zhuge Liang

From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

Did you write that? Great job! Loved it.

Kaliayev · 03-09-2009, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuancoRocks

I've been warned twice and I still read it twice. It's mesmerizing.
What does that mean?

You have way too much spare time?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

Did you write that? Great job! Loved it.

Sadly, I did not write it. I intend to write something equally inane for Nanowrimo this year, but that's months away yet.

Nirvana · 03-09-2009, 05:05 PM

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Mad Professor · 03-09-2009, 05:23 PM

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because when they come they're wet and wild,
and when they leave they fuck off with your house and car.

Sheldonrs · 03-09-2009, 05:26 PM

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

xoxoxoBruce · 03-10-2009, 01:30 AM

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the! Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” he asked.
“Yes,” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.
Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him!

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed!
All Us Women

morethanpretty · 03-10-2009, 07:46 AM

Pie · 03-10-2009, 08:51 AM

Happy Monkey · 03-10-2009, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

But the truth was that they sent them to the local seafood restauraunt, and about once a year they sent back an order of calimari.

Pie · 03-10-2009, 11:34 AM

...which are non-kosher.

Sheldonrs · 03-10-2009, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

...which are non-kosher.

Ignorance is Bris.

03-04-2009, 08:39 PM	#2551
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	__________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-05-2009, 11:52 AM	#2552
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-09-2009, 05:05 PM	#2557
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-09-2009, 05:23 PM	#2558
Mad Professor Belt Conveyor Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Blighty Posts: 65	Why are hurricanes named after women? Because when they come they're wet and wild, and when they leave they fuck off with your house and car. __________________ Nothin' seems that weird anymore Lo Fidelity Allstars

03-09-2009, 05:26 PM	#2559
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	Two Garbage Bags A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' 'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.' __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

03-06-2009, 08:13 AM	#2553
Kaliayev Magnificent Bastard Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 216	From my old blog, I present, the greatest joke in the history of mankind. It is long, I warn you.

03-10-2009, 01:30 AM	#2560
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “No.” The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, “No.” The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the! Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” he asked. “Yes,” cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him! The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it. Signed! All Us Women __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-10-2009, 07:46 AM	#2561
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	__________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

03-10-2009, 08:51 AM	#2562
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	__________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

03-10-2009, 11:34 AM	#2564
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	...which are non-kosher. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

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