Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"

[classicman]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?

[jester]

Hope you haven't seen this before..

[busterb]

rerun!!!!

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by busterb

rerun!!!!

"What's Happenin'" ?

[jester]

pssh - oh well.

[Juniper]

Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.


What's that you say?


Did you figure out the answer yet?


Do you get it?



It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...



But I got it.






There's no f in way.

Cute.

[depmats]

Die Hard reenacted by bunnies in 30 seconds.

Clickie

[lumberjim]

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut


off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in


the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,

"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da
finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you

hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got

microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem

back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole

says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

[Pie]

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Juniper

Silly joke my 11 year old son told me yesterday:

How does a turtle cross the road?

To find out the answer,

Take out the "f" in free

and take out the "f" in way.


What's that you say?


Did you figure out the answer yet?


Do you get it?



It took me about five seconds, because I can be kinda slow sometimes...



But I got it.






There's no f in way.

Cute.

Variation:
Kids asks for chocolate ice cream at the store. "There's no chocolate, just vanilla and strawberry." Kid asks for chocolate again. repeat 2x. Store keeper "spell the VAN in vanilla" kids spells van. "Spell the STRAW in strawberry." Kid spells straw. "Now spell the FUCK in chocolate" There is no fuck in (fuckin') chocolate.

"That's what I've been tellin' ya, kid"

[capnhowdy]

Best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian:

You know they'll swallow.

How can you kill 200 flies at one time?

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

[SteveDallas]

Bonus RL sort of humorous:

"Thank you for calling DirecTV, Mr. Dallas. I see that you've been a DirecTV subscriber since 2002. We very much appreciate your loyalty. What may I help you with today?"

"I need to cancel my account."

[xoxoxoBruce]

”Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer……

Amen”

[Nirvana]

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.



The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me.'



She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place:


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his

wife's arm.



The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist ap-

pointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'



The husband, rejected, turns over.



A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you

have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'




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Runner Up:



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill

said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion

on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

that something was seriously wrong.


'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.



'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my

penis in the pickle slicer?'



'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill , what happened?'



'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'


'Oh ... she got fired too.'



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:



A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the break-

fast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'



'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-

bird fifty years ago.'



'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'



Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples

are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'



'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the

other is in your oatmeal.'