Humor...I Need Humor...

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Well, you.

I thought if you removed half of a woman's brains she became a man, or was it the other way around?

[squirell nutkin]

Sex change joke:

A man was walking down the street and an attractive woman stopped him and said:
Jim? You probably don't recognize me. I used to be Bill, from accounting. I had a sex change operation a few years ago.

Wow, OMG. I recognize you. Whoa, that's intense. What was it like? It must have been painful when you got the implants.

Not really, when I go the implants I was a little sore for a few days.

What about when they cut off your dick? That must have hurt like hell

Again, Not really. I got good pain meds and after a few weeks I was fine.

So, the whole procedure was entirely painless?

I didn't say that. It hurt like hell when they stuck a giant needle in my skull and sucked out half my brains...

[xoxoxoBruce]

But the most painful part was....











... the pay cut.

[Shawnee123]

[BrianR]

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Alice to be the host, Alice wanted to outdo all the others. Alice decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too expensive.”

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So, Alice decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Alice watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Alice had even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, and were talking about the Methodists when the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Alice's ear, 'Ole' Spot just died'

Alice went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

[classicman]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, solly. My philosophy: No Pain... GOOD!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil . How getting more vegetables bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[classicman]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[xoxoxoBruce]

A dinner speaker at the Rotary meeting was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these".
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man, not taken back, said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist...
I'm the local undertaker."

[squirell nutkin]

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced, "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"


An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Arch, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie enquires.
"Oh," says Jock, "I imagine she'll be in white.”



New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think ma dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a leetle chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said "How about a date later?" She said, "I'm married." "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, "You tell him yourself- he's shaving you".

[ZenGum]

One Scottish chap offered another Scottish chap a wee dram, and asked him "how do you like it?"
"Half whiskey and half water" came the reply "and put in lots of water".

[capnhowdy]

What do 47000 abused women in the United States all have in common?

They don't fucking listen.

[classicman]

What?

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

What do 47000 abused women in the United States all have in common?

They don't fucking listen.

How do you spot a redneck woman?

She has a black eye and a hickey at the same time.

[Pie]

As seen somewhere on my google reader feed:

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a 'bachelor o farts degree'...Top that.

can't stop laughing.

[squirell nutkin]

From Dave Barry:

Your resume is more than just a piece of paper with lies written all over it. A good resume can mean the difference between not getting a job and not even coming close.