Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 225

classicman · 03-31-2010, 01:22 PM

PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...."

TheMercenary · 03-31-2010, 08:44 PM

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..
>
When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
>
The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
>
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
>
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.

Nirvana · 04-02-2010, 01:15 PM

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

classicman · 04-05-2010, 02:39 PM

A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! "

toranokaze · 04-06-2010, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I think the most important consideration is how the toranokazes were going to be used. Taxidermy student practice? Food? Leather? Fur?

I'm not rated for human consumption, it says so on the label.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-07-2010, 03:36 PM

One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk.
"What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox.
"My thesis," said the rabbit.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox.
"It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?"
"My thesis," the rabbit replied.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf.
"It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth.

The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor!

xoxoxoBruce · 04-08-2010, 12:46 AM

classicman · 04-08-2010, 09:23 AM

thats not funny - its true & sad.

Pie · 04-08-2010, 10:38 AM

More not funny, sad.

lumberjim · 04-08-2010, 01:43 PM

TheMercenary · 04-08-2010, 02:11 PM

DeLuise was the bomb.

Sheldonrs · 04-08-2010, 03:16 PM

And one of his funniest movies was "Hot Stuff". Rent it or buy it. I almost died laughing during the pot smoking scene!

spudcon · 04-08-2010, 03:27 PM

True and funny

TheMercenary · 04-08-2010, 03:45 PM

True, funny, and practical.

BrianR · 04-09-2010, 12:21 AM

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian
woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card
today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

03-31-2010, 01:22 PM	#3361
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	PROMISE AFTER DEATH .... A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...." __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-02-2010, 01:15 PM	#3363
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	The Wedding Ring A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR... 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-05-2010, 02:39 PM	#3364
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?' About 3 students raise their hand. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! " __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-07-2010, 03:36 PM	#3366
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk. "What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox. "My thesis," said the rabbit. "Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox. "It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit. "That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." "Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?" "My thesis," the rabbit replied. "Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf. "It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit. "That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves." "Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth. The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-08-2010, 12:46 AM	#3367
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-31-2010, 08:44 PM	#3362
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. > When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. > The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. > The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. > The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. > And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.

04-08-2010, 09:23 AM	#3368
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	thats not funny - its true & sad. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

04-08-2010, 10:38 AM	#3369
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	More not funny, sad. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

04-08-2010, 01:43 PM	#3370
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	__________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-08-2010, 02:11 PM	#3371
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	DeLuise was the bomb.

04-08-2010, 03:16 PM	#3372
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	And one of his funniest movies was "Hot Stuff". Rent it or buy it. I almost died laughing during the pot smoking scene! __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

04-08-2010, 03:27 PM	#3373
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	True and funny Attached Images __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

04-08-2010, 03:45 PM	#3374
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	True, funny, and practical.

04-09-2010, 12:21 AM	#3375
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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