Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

The Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

The end.

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by classicman

The Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

The end.
and then they laughed.

[Cloud]

Like!

[classicman]

lol @ squirrel

[spudcon]

Originally Posted by classicman

The Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistake twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran and America, ruled by nuts.

The end.

Fixed it for ya.

[GunMaster357]

Q: What do you call a colleague that earns 25% less than yourself ?











A: A woman

[classicman]

Bill Maher: "After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints."


Bill Maher: "People want [Obama] to be madder. His press secretary said he was enraged today. He was on Larry King last night, and he said, "I am furious.' He said, 'I am so angry, I have asked Rahm Emanuel to unleash a string of obscenities on my behalf.'"


Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama today met with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to talk about illegal immigration. Governor Brewer surprised everyone in this meeting by having the President deported."


Craig Ferguson: "Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'"

[Nirvana]

.

[TheDaVinciChode]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

.

Dress 'em like humans, pretty soon they'll be acting like humans.

[TheMercenary]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought
Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings'
again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[GunMaster357]

At first glance, this one is a classic joke that translates well in French. Then I got curious and googled Nancy Pelosi...

Had me laughing for a good minute...

I understand that poor guy

[classicman]

LOST WOMAN


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground, elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am" replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[classicman]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table..

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Wow!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Nirvana]

Word of the day:
FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS
It means...
FucK Off 'Cause U're Stupid!

[GunMaster357]

I was looking at the result of the soccer world cup in South Africa...

The French team is like an old bra...

No cup, and little support.