Humor...I Need Humor...

[monster]

[toranokaze]

What is the difference between a pizza and an airline pilot?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What is the difference between the lotto and the mob?
the mob doesn't advertise

[ZenGum]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".

[GunMaster357]

Nice one ZenGum.

My colleagues are wondering why I'm laughing

[TheMercenary]

A Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy Don't mess with them

[Pete Zicato]

Geek joke:

shit += 0.0


shit just got real

[plthijinx]

Originally Posted by toranokaze

What is the difference between a pizza and an airline pilot?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

funny but so true.

[Nirvana]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.





I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'





She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[Gravdigr]

At least she wasn't picking dingleberries...

[BrianR]

After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

*********************************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

***********************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***********************************************************

A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"? "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

***********************************************************

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.


An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"


"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."



The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.



Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.



The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all.



The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[BrianR]

OK, one more...

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they spotted a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets
off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.
While the biker didn't want to
appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
 When she has
finished kissing, the biker says, "Wow! That was the bet kiss I have ever
had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are
you committing suicide?"


"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ... "

[Gravdigr]

Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about this joke I heard the other day. What? Oh, oh, no, I can't post it, some people might find it offensive...

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about this joke I heard the other day. What? Oh, oh, no, I can't post it, some people might find it offensive...

If you don't post it, I will re-post the pic of that guys' ass with my finger in it and label it as YOUR ass!!!

[Nirvana]

.

[Pete Zicato]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

I can't post it, some people might find it offensive...

Ok. Now you're just pouting.