Humor...I Need Humor...

[Molasar]

there's a site called Daily Mash (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk) that publishes 4 or 5 stories per weekday ripping the piss out of just about anything and anybody.
usually there are a couple of shit-your-pants funnies, and at least a couple each day are topical based on current news stories.

the formal name for it is "satire" , and you can forget political correctness, these guys haven't heard of it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Louis CK, Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Ricky Gervais talking about comedy. Long but interesting if you have more than a passing interest in jokes.

[Molasar]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
*
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the fucking goal keeper".

[Molasar]

I was at St Bernadette's Catholic Club the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three girls from Ireland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you stupid jerk!

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Molasar]

Bob and Earl are out fishing at their favourite lake, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
*
Almost silently so as not to scare the fish, Bob says “ I think I’m gonna divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months”.
*
Earl continues sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says
“You better think it over Bob, women like that are hard to find.!

[xoxoxoBruce]

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai.
"Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

[Lamplighter]

… so we have to use logs.

groan

[toranokaze]

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb


















































One you racist.

[Gravdigr]

Brilliant.

[Molasar]

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

[Molasar]

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

[Molasar]

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

(sorry, that's a bit 'shit on your own doorstep' in a US-based community but let's face it, if it's funny there's somebody being offended in there.)

[Molasar]

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
*
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
*
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
*
We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea.
*
In hotel rooms I worry.
I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
*
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. - John Glenn
*
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
*
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
*
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
*
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
*
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

[Nirvana]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

[Molasar]

this amused the hell out of me, sort of Jeeves & Wooster or Downtown Abbey meets trailer trash