Humor...I Need Humor...

[Nirvana]

Is the truth funny?

[lumberjim]

yeah.no. not funny. this year seems extra dreary... and football isnt even over yet.

i'd just like a day of sunshine... even if it's cold... it's been overcast for almost 2 weeks around here. phucken depressing

[Gravdigr]

Yeah, nuttin' like a cold, gray suckbucket.

Now that I think about it, I dated a girl like that.

[Molasar]

A few gems from Air Traffic Control
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a727?"
*
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
*
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*
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able.
“If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*
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*
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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*
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
“Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*
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*
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
*
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
“You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
*
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
*
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
*
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
*
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
*

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

yeah.no. not funny. this year seems extra dreary... and football isnt even over yet.

i'd just like a day of sunshine... even if it's cold... it's been overcast for almost 2 weeks around here. phucken depressing

Amen. I'm counting on spring to renew my lust for life. Or something.

In Ohio we say there are two seasons: Winter, and Road Construction.

[Molasar]

in England is a city called Manchester.
it rains in Manchester. All the bastard time.

the saying is that " you can tell summer in Manchester because the rain comes down warm".


I worked there 5 years, and it's true.

[Molasar]

Irish motor accident


A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

[slang]

Originally Posted by Molasar

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

Many good ones posted here Molasar.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Molasar

Irish motor accident

Jerry Clower told the same story:

[Nirvana]

.

[slang]

Originally Posted by slang

Many good ones posted here Molasar.

Please don't take that as a negative. I've got to remember to over communicate here so as to be understood.

It seems that you are new here or are under a new name, Molasar. You've been posting some good jokes here and have had some interesting comments elsewhere. That's good. There is no "but". I just wanted to throw a little encouragement your way.

No, you probably don't need it but there you go. Little supporting comments or polite challenges to my opinions and experiences helped me stay plugged in long enough to get to know people here at the Cellar. Just trying to pass that along.

[Molasar]

Originally Posted by slang

Please don't take that as a negative. I've got to remember to over communicate here so as to be understood.

It seems that you are new here or are under a new name, Molasar. You've been posting some good jokes here and have had some interesting comments elsewhere. That's good. There is no "but". I just wanted to throw a little encouragement your way.

No, you probably don't need it but there you go. Little supporting comments or polite challenges to my opinions and experiences helped me stay plugged in long enough to get to know people here at the Cellar. Just trying to pass that along.

No worries, my misunderstanding, it's cool. And thanks.

incidentally I am a newbie not an old member with a new name, it's enough of a job having one virtual ID never mind trying to keep track of a whole family of them!

[Molasar]

it was time for the moles to go on the great sugar migration.

all the moles got in line astern with Daddy Mole, the strongest, right at the front where the hard tunnelling had to be done.
all the rest of the tribe lined up after Daddy with Baby Mole bringing up the rear.
Daddy Mole warned them that the journey would be long and hard stop sniggering at all the knob gags you just thought of and that when they could smell sugar they would know they were close to journey's end.

They set off, nose to tail, strongest to weakest, carrying all their possessions.
After about half an hour Baby Mole got really excited and, shouting "I can smell sugar, I can smell sugar" he rushed past all the other moles to tell his dad, knocking them flying and scattering their stuff everywhere.
Daddy Mole told him "no son, that ain't sugar, not yet, now back to your place in the line".
So Baby Mole crept back past the rest of the tribe who were picking up all their stuff and getting ready to move on again.

half an hour later the same thing happened, then a thurd time again another half an hour after that.p

This time Daddy Mole said very sternly "you've GOT to stop doing this, it ain't sugar until I tell you, now DON'T do it again!!"

Baby Mole shamefaced went back to his place and they started off again.

After an hour Baby Mole could smell sugar, but after the bollocking he'd had the previous time, he waited until his Daddy announced it.
but the announcement never came and they were still tunnelling away real hard.

eventually the smell of sugar was driving Baby Mole nuts so he decided he just had to go to Daddy Mole to tell him.

again he sent all the tribe of moles flying until he reached Daddy Mole saying excitedly "I really can smell sugar this time Daddy, this time i really really can smell sugar, honest"

Daddy looked down at Baby Mole and said
"Son, it still ain't sugar
and you got to learn to
smell the difference between sugar and molasses

[Gravdigr]

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Attachment 46628