Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 351

lumberjim · 01-15-2015, 10:58 AM

Believe it or not, my penis was in the Book of World Records for a time.

The Librarian got pissed, and kicked me out of the Library, though.

Sheldonrs · 01-15-2015, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Believe it or not, my penis was in the Book of World Records for a time.

The Librarian got pissed, and kicked me out of the Library, though.

Are you sure you weren't in the short stories collections? :-)

footfootfoot · 01-15-2015, 12:58 PM

Hacker group Anonymous is attacking ISIS and Al Qaida. Ironic that 72 virgins are attacking the terrorists.

lumberjim · 01-15-2015, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Are you sure you weren't in the short stories collections? :-)

I'd tell you another joke about my cock, but it's too long.

and she said,

Well, I'd tell you one about my pussy, but you wouldn't get it.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-17-2015, 10:22 PM

This woman is good.

monster · 01-17-2015, 11:06 PM

It's all about me....

BigV · 01-17-2015, 11:42 PM

Old data analysts don’t die – they just get broken down by age and sex

********

Data is like people – interrogate it hard enough and it will tell you whatever you want to hear.

*****

A data analyst is on board a passenger jet. The captain’s voice announced over the radio “We have lost an engine, but there’s no need to worry, we can fly on three engines, it will just take us an hour longer to reach our destination.

A while later, the radio crackles again: “This is your captain speaking, we have lost another engine – but we’re in no danger. Our journey will take an extra two hours though.”

Not long after, the captain is on the radio again: “We’re down to one engine, we can make it safely, but we’re going to be landing three hours late.”

“I hope we don’t lose the last engine,” says the analyst, “We’ll be up here forever.”

************

A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.

The man replies “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees , 10 minutes west, 212 metres above sea level, heading due east by north east.”

“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”

“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”

“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”

“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”

“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”

Carruthers · 02-05-2015, 10:15 AM

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Lamplighter · 02-05-2015, 11:08 AM

busterb · 02-06-2015, 01:12 PM

Takes a poke at Mike Moore.

Gravdigr · 02-07-2015, 06:29 PM

A 7 foot, four hundred pound bull queer needs to take a poke at Michael Moore.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Scriveyn · 02-10-2015, 01:35 PM

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xoxoxoBruce · 02-25-2015, 01:34 AM

hmm

busterb · 03-01-2015, 01:09 PM

Maryjo was all over Bubba about getting breast argumentation.
He said,” no way, no money.” She told him to sell the bass boat or the 4 wheeler. Maybe get a loan.

Bubba, after giving this deep thought. Told her to get some toilet paper and rub between her breast a few times a day. She asked,” What in hell will that do?”
Bubba,” not sure, but take a look at your butt.”

Gravdigr · 03-01-2015, 04:03 PM

That reminds me of a conversation between my buddy's late dad and this girl that ran with the dad. Dad was staying with my buddy at the time, and overheard this convo, shortened for brevity's sake:

Girlfriend, having said something like this for the second or third time in the conversation: I sure wish I had some bigger titties.

Buddy's dad, 75-ish, not in the best of health: I wish I had a ten inch dick that'd get hard, too, but, it don't look like it's gonna happen.

01-15-2015, 10:58 AM	#5251
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Believe it or not, my penis was in the Book of World Records for a time. The Librarian got pissed, and kicked me out of the Library, though. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

01-15-2015, 12:58 PM	#5253
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Hacker group Anonymous is attacking ISIS and Al Qaida. Ironic that 72 virgins are attacking the terrorists. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-17-2015, 10:22 PM	#5255
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	This woman is good. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-17-2015, 11:06 PM	#5256
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	It's all about me.... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-17-2015, 11:42 PM	#5257
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Old data analysts don’t die – they just get broken down by age and sex ****** Data is like people – interrogate it hard enough and it will tell you whatever you want to hear. * A data analyst is on board a passenger jet. The captain’s voice announced over the radio “We have lost an engine, but there’s no need to worry, we can fly on three engines, it will just take us an hour longer to reach our destination. A while later, the radio crackles again: “This is your captain speaking, we have lost another engine – but we’re in no danger. Our journey will take an extra two hours though.” Not long after, the captain is on the radio again: “We’re down to one engine, we can make it safely, but we’re going to be landing three hours late.” “I hope we don’t lose the last engine,” says the analyst, “We’ll be up here forever.” ********** A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is. The man replies “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees , 10 minutes west, 212 metres above sea level, heading due east by north east.” “Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?” “Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?” “Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.” “I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?” “Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?” “Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.” __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

02-05-2015, 10:15 AM	#5258
Carruthers Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Buckinghamshire UK Posts: 4,059

02-05-2015, 11:08 AM	#5259
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402

02-06-2015, 01:12 PM	#5260
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Takes a poke at Mike Moore. Attached Images __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

02-07-2015, 06:29 PM	#5261
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	A 7 foot, four hundred pound bull queer needs to take a poke at Michael Moore. Not that there's anything wrong with that... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-10-2015, 01:35 PM	#5262
Scriveyn amnesic-confabulatory opsimath Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Between my ears Posts: 739

02-25-2015, 01:34 AM	#5263
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	hmm Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-01-2015, 01:09 PM	#5264
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Maryjo was all over Bubba about getting breast argumentation. He said,” no way, no money.” She told him to sell the bass boat or the 4 wheeler. Maybe get a loan. Bubba, after giving this deep thought. Told her to get some toilet paper and rub between her breast a few times a day. She asked,” What in hell will that do?” Bubba,” not sure, but take a look at your butt.” __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

03-01-2015, 04:03 PM	#5265
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	That reminds me of a conversation between my buddy's late dad and this girl that ran with the dad. Dad was staying with my buddy at the time, and overheard this convo, shortened for brevity's sake: Girlfriend, having said something like this for the second or third time in the conversation: I sure wish I had some bigger titties. Buddy's dad, 75-ish, not in the best of health: I wish I had a ten inch dick that'd get hard, too, but, it don't look like it's gonna happen. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

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