YIPES! Why can't the world see how incredibly cool I am?

[IamSam]

Or

Sam tries yet again to get the rules changed just for her, beginning with a $5.00 parking ticket, tin foil hats, and romps through the sunny side of HELL!

I just e-mailed one of my infamous diatribes. To wit:


From:
Cowgirls Don’t Cry, Inc.

No Easy St., Cortez, CO 81321
April 25, 2013


To:
Parking Division
City Of Durango
250W. 8th St.
Durango, CO 81301-5494


Dear Mr. or Ms. Division:

Per the instruction printed on the ticket for parking in a private lot that was tucked under the wiper of my truck at 15:45 on April 25, I am registering an objection in writing and in compliance with the 48 hour deadline for making such complaints.

I did not notice the sign for a private lot and parked there unknowingly, but that is not why I am objecting to the ticket. Ignorance of the law is no defense. I object because the amount of the fine places an unjust burden on those who are least likely to be able to pay it. The closest I can afford to live to Durango – where there are jobs - is in Cortez, a 100 mile round trip away.

No doubt there is an identical parking lot somewhere in Cortez which retaliates against Durango with $15 - $60 fines of its own. I have yet to encounter such a lot, but I’m sure it’s here somewhere. The Cortez lot is lying in wait just like Durango’s was, anticipating the chance to entrap the cars of those from poorer counties who dare drive to the big city seeking work.

Unfortunately, Durango gets the role of Big Dog in this local game of thrones. I really can’t imagine the Aspen-wanna-be’s of La Plata County becoming unduly concerned over a $60.00 parking ticket - chump change unless you happen to reside in Montezuma or Dolores County where unemployment may be as much as 20%.

Currently, I just so happen to be among the unemployed out here in the Lost Corners (the Land that both time and trust funds have forgotten). I seldom have the gas money to make the round trip between our two illustrious cities twice in the same month, never mind twice in the same week. However, on Wednesday, April 24th, I had to drive to Durango for a doctor’s appointment. In her office I noticed a copy of something called “the Durango telegraph,” published in and around DURANGO on a weekly basis.

I’d never seen this rag before - no big surprise since publications which are unable to penetrate the event horizon on the county line tend to fall off into the black hole created by my scant little span of attention and my tinfoil hat which serves to keep unmanned drones away.

I perused the unfamiliar “telegraph’s” classifieds and noticed an announcement for a job that was a perfect fit for both my education and many years of experience. No application deadline was given, but I went down to the store that had the opening straight away… And was informed that they already had 90 applications stacked up in the office, and maybe I’d be just as happy if I bought a few things from the store’s considerable inventory and gave up on actually earning anything to pay for my purchases with.

I have enough problems without getting arrested for shop lifting on top of everything else, and while there’s any number of jobs I can’t do, this was a job that I had grad school training for, spent most of my career working at, and had even won a few awards along the way for doing it. All in all, I KNEW that I was an extremely competitive candidate – 90 resumes or no 90 resumes.

I started in on some heavy duty whining about this to the clerk out front until she finally went back and got me a job app to shut me up, warning me the deadline was actually already past. What deadline? Nice if one had been posted, but moot point since “the telegraph” doesn’t get sent over to Indian Country, anyway.

I returned to my little apartment out here in the Third World, and began to type up my resume’, updating and revising it as I went. I even typed up my responses to the all those “How would your presence make our business take off and fly to heights never before attained?” type questions. In other words, I threw my heart into it. Did I mention that I have been out of work for a while now, and this was a job that I was a GOOD candidate for? I finished up at 3am and went to print my magnum opus out.

Ever had the cat gackk all over your homework for reals? It happens. My printer gackked all over my application and then quit on me. I spent the remainder of my evening having fun with electronics. I NEEDED that job. My printer didn’t care. My next door neighbor informed me his printer was broken too, when I knocked on his door at 5am. Finally, the sun rose and the dawn’s light revealed that my night of hell was quickly turning into yet one more tough trip through Paradise.

I had (finally) made it back to Durango after first sending my completed application ahead via an e-mail to myself. Someone told me to go to Point to Point Graphics, located up on 2nd Avenue, to get my paperwork finally printed up. I noticed that there seemed to be a number of available parking slots in the lot their shop fronted out on. Unfortunately, the parking spots were for residents, NOT customers. Whoops!

But the folks at Point to Point were the nicest people I met that day – very kind, very helpful. They printed out my ten pages of documents on a nice heavy duty bond for a mere .92 cents. People of Durango! If you need graphics work done, go to Point to Point!

I ran out the door and stayed on the run all the way to the shop on Main which had advertized that job. Ever been in a position of authority and had someone try to pull the old “cat gackked on my homework” excuse on you? Yeah, I hardly ever believed that one either, and that store owner was no different:

The application was due yesterday; decisions had been made and set in stone when it came to offering interviews; other interviewees would feel cheated if an extra person was suddenly admitted to be a member of the Few, the Proud, the People who didn’t know who wrote “Pale Horse, Pale Rider.”

I even began to wonder if the owner thought I had made everything up that I told her. Like my “degree” if I had one at all, probably came from some online diploma mill and if I ever ACTUALLY had worked for 10 years at Fort Lewis… Well, let’s not even go there. At least the funny old lady has a sense of humor, doesn’t she?

Besides, I hadn’t answered the special questions on the job app. BUSTED! Should have realized that without even one turn of a page, x-ray vision can penetrate even 10 sheets of 100 lb bond paper. Never mind. My application would be carefully stored and taken out and reviewed when the next vacancy opens up in 2020. Fair enough.

Except when I returned to my truck and discovered it decorated with that ticket that I can’t pay until May 1 because I’m STILL looking for work and all my cash has gone for gas, so my truck and I can continue in our quest for the holy grail of employment. At the moment I have maybe $2 bucks and a Durango parking fine which seems to be growing at the alarming speed of a cancer cell.

This letter of “Objection” is NOT a request that I may be released from bearing the consequences of my criminal parking actions. The law’s the law. I ask only that my punishment be non-monetary. I could thumb out one day and spend 8 -10 hours washing the floors in Durango’s municipal buildings. I have a sharp eye when it comes to books, and I could spend a weekend doing shelf reading for the Durango Public Library. I can pull weeds and plant annuals in the flower beds that grace Durango’s parks. Whatever it may take for me to atone for my crime, please so order me to do, and I will do it.

Say, I don’t suppose you guys have any paid job openings, do you? Didn’t think so. Times are tough – at least here in Cortez they are.

I very much appreciate any reasonable accommodation you might give me.

Sincerely,

Sam, the Princess of Siam
(wehavenotyetbegunthefight@gmail.com)