Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 144

Flint · 10-07-2008, 12:19 PM

That was one of those jokes that just describes how something actually happens in real life.

Pie · 10-07-2008, 12:28 PM

I heard it years ago, but went and looked it up today because real life was so uncannily similar...

Sheldonrs · 10-07-2008, 01:07 PM

Question:

What's the difference between a pidgeon and a Wall Street broker?

Answer:

A pidgeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

Nirvana · 10-07-2008, 04:21 PM

Maybe this is not a joke...

If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!

-

Shawnee123 · 10-07-2008, 05:04 PM

401 keg...lol!

SteveDallas · 10-07-2008, 05:50 PM

Not bad... I've suggested that when we're done with the annual Easter Egg Hunt for the kids, we should have an Easter Keg Hunt for the grownups.

Shawnee123 · 10-08-2008, 09:37 AM

Yeah, we could decorate those little tiny Heineken kegs like eggs...I'll play!

HungLikeJesus · 10-08-2008, 01:05 PM

Girl falls off bike.

This is funny. Listen to what she says in the end (it's a little hard to hear).

jester · 10-08-2008, 04:30 PM

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
> one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
> the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
> blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
> minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
> fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to
> do it again?'
>
> He asks her 'Shall we?'
>
> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,
> I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

Nirvana · 10-09-2008, 02:36 PM

> POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
>
>A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
>difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
>
>The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
>she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
>then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
>dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
>
>So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
>to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
>
>The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
>in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
>
>The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?'
>
>'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
would
>buy?'
>
>The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.
>His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
>'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
>
>The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
>million dollars..
>
>But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo."

classicman · 10-09-2008, 02:50 PM

Good one

Pie · 10-09-2008, 03:15 PM

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.

jester · 10-09-2008, 03:46 PM

Never ever piss off a redneck who owns a backhoe!!!

Name: Pissed Redneck.jpg.jpg
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Size: 34.5 KB

jester · 10-09-2008, 04:30 PM

Three women; one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night, all three wore a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said, 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated, 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

Cicero · 10-09-2008, 04:35 PM

lol!!!

And...you don't wanna know why I find that so funny. LOL!!!

10-07-2008, 12:19 PM	#2146
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	That was one of those jokes that just describes how something actually happens in real life. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

10-07-2008, 12:28 PM	#2147
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	I heard it years ago, but went and looked it up today because real life was so uncannily similar... __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-07-2008, 01:07 PM	#2148
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	Question: What's the difference between a pidgeon and a Wall Street broker? Answer: A pidgeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari. __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

10-07-2008, 04:21 PM	#2149
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Maybe this is not a joke... If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had invested $1,000 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American! - __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-07-2008, 05:04 PM	#2150
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	401 keg...lol! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

10-07-2008, 05:50 PM	#2151
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Not bad... I've suggested that when we're done with the annual Easter Egg Hunt for the kids, we should have an Easter Keg Hunt for the grownups.

10-08-2008, 09:37 AM	#2152
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Yeah, we could decorate those little tiny Heineken kegs like eggs...I'll play! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

10-08-2008, 01:05 PM	#2153
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Girl falls off bike. This is funny. Listen to what she says in the end (it's a little hard to hear). __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

10-08-2008, 04:30 PM	#2154
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. > > They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when > one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings > the two to life. > > The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred > blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty > minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' > > He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. > > The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After > fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. > > The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to > do it again?' > > He asks her 'Shall we?' > > She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, > I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

10-09-2008, 02:36 PM	#2155
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	> POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY > >A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the >difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' > >The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if >she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your >sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and >then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million >dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' > >So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad >Pitt for a million dollars?' > >The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money >to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' > >The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad >Pitt for a million dollars?' > >The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him >in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' > >The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad >Pitt for a million dollars?' > >'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would >buy?' > >The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. >His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between >'potentially' and 'realistically'?' > >The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three >million dollars.. > >But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-09-2008, 02:50 PM	#2156
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Good one __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-09-2008, 03:15 PM	#2157
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" "No," the farmer said. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" "No." The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-09-2008, 03:46 PM	#2158
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Never ever piss off a redneck who owns a backhoe!!!

10-09-2008, 04:30 PM	#2159
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Three women; one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night, all three wore a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said, 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated, 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

10-09-2008, 04:35 PM	#2160
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	lol!!! And...you don't wanna know why I find that so funny. LOL!!! __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung

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