Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 186

lumberjim · 07-04-2009, 11:17 AM

the forecast calls for spam

capnhowdy · 07-04-2009, 07:10 PM

...sniffs air......nods head......waits.

toranokaze · 07-06-2009, 10:49 AM

at least it isn't raining men

Gravdigr · 07-06-2009, 02:45 PM

If Russia attacked Italy from behind, would Greece help?

capnhowdy · 07-06-2009, 04:54 PM

It would if they were really Russian (rushing).

BrianR · 07-12-2009, 12:22 AM

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,

but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No More blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,

he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! ..

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

Tulip · 07-12-2009, 10:11 PM

Learning medicine in class

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.

Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'
'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and
maybe that shit will get harder.''

Crimson Ghost · 07-13-2009, 12:44 AM

A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.. .. . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . ..... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ...... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... ..... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff.

I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

spudcon · 07-13-2009, 09:08 AM

A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Shawnee123 · 07-13-2009, 05:14 PM

From here. It's old, but new to me:

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Ibby · 07-13-2009, 07:12 PM

Definitely reminds me of that West Wing episode.

Clodfobble · 07-13-2009, 09:20 PM

That's because the writers of that West Wing episode blatantly plagiarized it from the internet forward, which had been around long before.

Clodfobble · 07-14-2009, 10:21 AM

The Helen Keller Simulator

SteveDallas · 07-14-2009, 10:31 AM

I oculdn't get it to load... maybe some kind of javascript incompatibility?

lumberjim · 07-14-2009, 04:50 PM

how long did you stare at it?

07-04-2009, 11:17 AM	#2776
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	the forecast calls for spam __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-04-2009, 07:10 PM	#2777
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	...sniffs air......nods head......waits. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

07-06-2009, 10:49 AM	#2778
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	at least it isn't raining men __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

07-06-2009, 02:45 PM	#2779
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	If Russia attacked Italy from behind, would Greece help? __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

07-06-2009, 04:54 PM	#2780
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	It would if they were really Russian (rushing). __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

07-12-2009, 12:22 AM	#2781
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No More blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! .. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.' __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

07-12-2009, 10:11 PM	#2782
Tulip Professor Join Date: May 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 1,293	Learning medicine in class At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?' 'Very good! And what is it used for?' 'It is used for a headache.' The second pupil said: 'Nytol.' 'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?' 'To help you sleep', replied the student. Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' 'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine. 'It is used for diarrhea.' 'And who told you this, Johnny?' 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''

07-13-2009, 12:44 AM	#2783
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death… ....... .. … … .. ….. .. .. . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... ..... ..... .. . .. . . … .. . . . .. ... . ..... ... .... .... ... ...... .... .... .... ...... ..... ..... .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... ....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... ..... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. … .. .. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... ..... Deep stuff. I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....” __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-13-2009, 09:08 AM	#2784
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

07-13-2009, 05:14 PM	#2785
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Why can't I own canadians? From here. It's old, but new to me: Why Can't I Own a Canadian? October 2002 Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-13-2009, 07:12 PM	#2786
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Definitely reminds me of that West Wing episode. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

07-13-2009, 09:20 PM	#2787
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	That's because the writers of that West Wing episode blatantly plagiarized it from the internet forward, which had been around long before. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-14-2009, 10:21 AM	#2788
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	The Helen Keller Simulator __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-14-2009, 10:31 AM	#2789
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	I oculdn't get it to load... maybe some kind of javascript incompatibility?

07-14-2009, 04:50 PM	#2790
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	how long did you stare at it? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

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