Make fun of the opposite sex via email - Page 2

Aliantha · 02-07-2008, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

I sent these particular examples to Bruce. I think your sister sent them to me...

well that little sentence made me laugh.

BigV · 02-08-2008, 06:47 PM

News flash! Being a "needle-dick" shown to have surprising advantages

toranokaze · 03-04-2008, 06:33 PM

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
nothing you already told her twice

Why do women wear white during a wedding?
All kitchen appliances come in white.

Why don't women need umbrellas?
It doesn't rain between the kitchen and the bedroom

God said, " Adam I could make you the perfect mate, but it will cost you an arm and a leg" Adam replied," What can I get for a rib?"
What do all the women in the battered women shelter have in common?

they don't know when to shut up

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
What! that bitch can cook in the dark.

Shawnee123 · 03-05-2008, 12:56 PM

How do you tell a woman is from Texas?

She has a hicky and a black eye at the same time.

jinx · 03-05-2008, 02:20 PM

Why don't women have brains?

They don't have penises to keep them in.

lumberjim · 04-03-2008, 03:39 PM

Oil change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total:$21.00

Oil Change instructions for men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is n ow on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35 ) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20..00
Total: $ 4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

Sundae · 04-05-2008, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toranokaze

Why do women wear white during a wedding?
All kitchen appliances come in white.

Okay I get that this is dissing the opposite sex, accurate or not. But I really don't get this one.

SteveDallas · 04-05-2008, 01:21 PM

Women = kitchen appliances. Therefore women should be the proper color for kitchen appliances.

Sundae · 04-05-2008, 01:23 PM

Only at a wedding? Meh. I don't mind sexist jokes as long as the person telling them doesn't have a sexist attitude. But bad jokes - never acceptable!

Clodfobble · 04-05-2008, 05:43 PM

I've decided it means I don't have to cook after Labor Day.

spudcon · 04-06-2008, 03:42 PM

An 85 year old woman has been widowed for a number of years, so her granddaughter fixes her up with a 90 year old man for a blind date.
The day after the date, granddaughter calls her gradma and asks how the date went.
"I had to slap him 3 times." Grandma says.
"Why," asks the granddaughter, "did he get fresh?"
"No," says gramma, "I thought he was dead!"

Shawnee123 · 04-07-2008, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I've decided it means I don't have to cook after Labor Day.

That's funny!

02-08-2008, 06:47 PM	#17
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	News flash! Being a "needle-dick" shown to have surprising advantages __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

03-04-2008, 06:33 PM	#18
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? nothing you already told her twice Why do women wear white during a wedding? All kitchen appliances come in white. Why don't women need umbrellas? It doesn't rain between the kitchen and the bedroom God said, " Adam I could make you the perfect mate, but it will cost you an arm and a leg" Adam replied," What can I get for a rib?" What do all the women in the battered women shelter have in common? they don't know when to shut up How many men does it take to change a light bulb? What! that bitch can cook in the dark. __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

03-05-2008, 12:56 PM	#19
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	How do you tell a woman is from Texas? She has a hicky and a black eye at the same time. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-05-2008, 02:20 PM	#20
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Why don't women have brains? They don't have penises to keep them in. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

04-03-2008, 03:39 PM	#21
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Oil change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change:$20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total:$21.00 Oil Change instructions for men : 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is n ow on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35 ) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts:$50.00 DUI:$2500.00 Impound fee:$75.00 Bail:$1500.00 Beer:$20..00 Total: $ 4,145.00 But you know the job was done right! __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-05-2008, 01:21 PM	#23
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	Women = kitchen appliances. Therefore women should be the proper color for kitchen appliances.

04-05-2008, 01:23 PM	#24
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Only at a wedding? Meh. I don't mind sexist jokes as long as the person telling them doesn't have a sexist attitude. But bad jokes - never acceptable! __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

04-05-2008, 05:43 PM	#25
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I've decided it means I don't have to cook after Labor Day.

04-06-2008, 03:42 PM	#26
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	An 85 year old woman has been widowed for a number of years, so her granddaughter fixes her up with a 90 year old man for a blind date. The day after the date, granddaughter calls her gradma and asks how the date went. "I had to slap him 3 times." Grandma says. "Why," asks the granddaughter, "did he get fresh?" "No," says gramma, "I thought he was dead!"

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