Humor...I Need Humor...

[Radar]

Man, that's a HUGE waste. I like the "vehicle for butter consumption" thing. My daughter thinks toast is simply an edible spoon to get butter into her mouth. She puts butter no the toast, licks it off, and repeats.

[Nirvana]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'





'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'





'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''



The teacher fainted.

[Nirvana]

> AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
>
>
>
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
>
> Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
>
>
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
> hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
> threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
> earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
> important message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
> to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
> jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
> reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
> pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
> that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating
> weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
>
> I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
> with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
> bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
> me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
> help mug us again].
>
> After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
> I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
> up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas
> station, -- on your credit card.. The guy with the big motor home took 150
> gallons and was extremely grateful!
>
> I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
> all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
>
> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
> at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
> entire driver's side of the car.
>
> Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell
> just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
> over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get
> in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
> while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
>
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
> while he traced your number etc.).
>
> In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
> this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
> threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
> rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
> opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
> you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so
> lucky.Have a good day!
>
> Thoughtfully yours,
>
> Alex
>
>
> P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil
> society!
>

[BrianR]

Union problems for B.O.O.M. (British Organization of Occupational Martyrs)

According to anonymous sources:
------------------------------------------------------

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by
25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members
of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to
attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best
people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of
a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree
on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that........ it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of
that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express
solidarity with their striking brethren.

[Nirvana]

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?









Santa stops after 3 hos :p

[BrianR]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.

Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.

"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."

According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."

In a related story, David Letterman today cleared all the golf clubs out of his house.

[spudcon]

Flash! The million or so mistresses of Bill Clinton and John Edwards have joined the Tiger Woods mistresses to triple their political power.

[toranokaze]

I sense a class action suit.

[SteveDallas]

How about a no-class action suit?

("Action suit"... that sounds perilously close to "leisure suit!")

[classicman]

you got that right Steve! I did not have sex with that golfer...

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by classicman

you got that right Steve! I did not have sex with that golfer...

But I helped him with his putz.

[Nirvana]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyIndianapolis.



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.......

[Radar]

LOL!!! I love computer geek humor.

[Nirvana]

TAKE MY ASS TO JAIL



A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of
The Virginia / West Virgina State line. When the trooper asked the driver
Why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was
On his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want
To be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the
Driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
Ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
Anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could
Juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit
Them and handed them to him..

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken
Good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went
Over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper
Observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the
Drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't
No way I can pass that test.'

[jujuwwhite]

> > Happy baking !!



> Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
>
> 1 cup of water
> 1 tsp baking soda
> 1 cup of sugar
> 1 tsp salt
> 1 cup or brown sugar
> 4 large eggs
> 1 cup nuts
> 2 cups of dried fruit
> 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
>
>
> Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
> check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
> pour one level cup and drink.
>
> Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
> in a large fluffy bowl.
>
> Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
> it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
> cup just in case.
>
> Turn off the mixerer thingy.
>
> Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
> of dried fruit.
>
> Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
>
> Mix on the turner.
>
>
> If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
> it loose with a drewscriver.
>
> Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
>
> Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
> a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
>
> Add one table.
>
> Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
> find.
>
> Greash the oven.
>
> Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
> over.
>
> Don't forget to beat off the turner.
>
>
> Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
> Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

> Cherry Mistmas !
>