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12-15-2009, 12:22 PM | #3121 |
~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~
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kids are great
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12-16-2009, 10:42 AM | #3122 |
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Early Dismissal
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
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12-17-2009, 11:59 AM | #3123 |
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A Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
T'was the Night of Thanksgiving..
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin' . . . chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry. He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed. Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika . . . the world had the story. From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts. Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger's wife went investin' . . . a new home in Sweden. And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid." She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
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Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind. |
12-17-2009, 12:20 PM | #3124 |
A b**** of the highest caliber
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muahhhhhhhahhhhah!!
That rocked! thanks for the laugh!
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I like like minded people... a bit like minded anyway.. well people with bits of their minds that are like the bits of my mind that I like |
12-17-2009, 01:43 PM | #3125 |
Gone and done
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I guess that made Elin his highest-paid hooker. I bet she's proud.
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per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not. |
12-17-2009, 01:48 PM | #3126 |
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lol@Pie ! But truthfully who would say no to $330 million?
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12-17-2009, 02:17 PM | #3127 |
Constitutional Scholar
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I'd let Tiger Woods fuck me for $330 million.
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"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin |
12-17-2009, 03:01 PM | #3128 |
™
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Me too. I'd also let him fuck you for $330M.
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12-17-2009, 04:12 PM | #3129 |
The Un-Tuckian
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For $330 million, I'll blow Tiger on the courthouse square, and give him an hour to draw a crowd.
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
12-17-2009, 04:29 PM | #3130 |
The Un-Tuckian
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
12-17-2009, 06:23 PM | #3131 |
I'm still a jerk
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But you don't understand they pay by the pic...
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"Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering. |
12-18-2009, 02:45 PM | #3132 |
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Dementia- short and sweet...
*
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12-18-2009, 05:06 PM | #3133 |
Doctor Wtf
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What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?
Put some bacon with it and call it a seizure salad.
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Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl. |
12-19-2009, 05:14 PM | #3134 |
The Un-Tuckian
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These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. |
12-19-2009, 10:31 PM | #3135 |
The future is unwritten
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.
Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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