Humor...I Need Humor...

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Elspode

Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

I don't get it

ETA - I just did

[skysidhe]

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

[Gravdigr]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who both were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own damn blanket..'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

[BrianR]

THE MEMORIAL STONE


Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My Gosh, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."

[xoxoxoBruce]

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"




Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[squirell nutkin]

audible laughter.

[Madman]

What do you get when you cross a Liberal and a Conservative?

Socialism.

[squirell nutkin]

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?


Halfway.

[classicman]

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It
wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't
Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming.
"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks what happened. The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..." The Doctor says "I have a really good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me".
The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"

[skysidhe]

wry humor here

[Madman]

How's 'bout a little humor for the funny bone.

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter. The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "The Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men sometimes think and act like they are women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal foods. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

...me bad...

[Pie]

emma?

[monster]

no, you're a one-trick troll.

[jinx]

Wait, so, he thinks The Village People were conservatives? Ha ha, I don't think so buddy...