What's upsetting you today?

[DanaC]

Then I'm confused as to why you'd think that makes you an emotional cripple. Or was that just self-deprecating humour?

Originally Posted by DanaC

[eta] It's not about flicking a light switch. It's about recognising the powerful tool you have at your disposal and turning it to your advantage. It's possible to be utterly heart broken and at the same time detached enough to recognise ways to ease the pain.

And the advice was not flippant. I stand by it as the best way to deal with grief. But then I would.

... and you assume I am not doing that, why?

I don't LIKE the process I'm going through, but it seems from what you've said as if your approach would be "suck it up and don't talk about it." I believe in acknowledging my feelings, in order to move through them, even though sometimes they do feel overwhelming.

Perhaps you could talk more about how you got through your grieving process, to give me some context.

I have been through grief before. I have found that the most helpful thing for me is simply knowing that it will get better. Even if it never goes away completely, it will get to a point where it's not ever-present, and eventually it will be a small part of my life, something that gives me an occasional pang, rather than a broad ache.

Originally Posted by DanaC

Then I'm confused as to why you'd think that makes you an emotional cripple. Or was that just self-deprecating humour?

Because, just as someone with a sprained ankle is crippled until it heals, so is someone with a broken heart. If I was not in the midst of this transition in my life, walking into a room and seeing an ex would not have taken the wind out of me.

[DanaC]

I'm sorry Tiki. I got the wrong end of the stick when you said:

How long will it take? I am tired of being an emotional cripple.

I thought you were tired of where you were at and were looking for a way to break through it. Having got tired of where I was at, I attempted to consciously take control of my state of mind. To lesser or greater extent depending on how much I was dealing with at any one time, it helped.

I'm not talking about this with you any more. I am clearly not communicating my point very well. It was something that helped me. But it's of no use if I can't communicate it to you.

No, I was just basically tired of still being in process, and complaining about how long it's taking.

Things are getting better. I'm not wracked with grief when I get up in the morning, or when I get into an empty bed at night. I don't cry all day anymore... some days I don't cry at all. I am enjoying time with my friends. I have a crush... a small one, but to me that shows I'm healing, that I have space in my heart to feel that way about someone new. I'm looking forward to things again.

I'm not in stasis, just complaining about the process. I have a long time of loving to get over.

The hardest thing, for me, is not to hope. His face lit up when he saw me. He knows I go to that bar, and he knows I have Monday and Tuesday nights free. I think about hope, and how hope holds me back. I know that if I indulge in it, I'm still hanging on to something that's over, and I can't do that. So, I open my hand and let that strand drop. One less thing connecting me to him.

[DanaC]

That sounds painful.

[sugarpop]

Wow Tiki. I am so sorry you are hurting. Losing someone you still love is hard, the process is hard, it takes time. Sending good healing energy your way.

Not speaking for Dana, but from what she said, it seems to me she was talking about the concept that we create our own reality, and we have the ability to change that reality. That is not saying that you aren't doing everything in your power to do that, but maybe to realize that, in the moment, you can change your feelings, your desires, your intentions, your whatever. But you have to be aware of that in the moment. It is a principle of witchcraft and other spiritual traditions. My favorite definition of magic is that of Dion Fortune, the act of changing consciousness at will. There is a saying my old AA sponsor used to say to me all the time, change occurs in the moment of consciousness. If you have ever read the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman explains that concept quite well, over and over and over in different ways.

I know for me, it is very difficult to do that with regard to personal relationships. It's hard for me to understand how some people can just shake things off so easily, because I can't. It does help me though to remember that I actually DO have the ability to do that. It doesn't mean you don't still feel, or that you turn your feelings on and off like a faucet, it just means that you can direct the energy in a different, more positive way. I find it incredibly helpful, when I'm very depressed (which I have a serious problem with sometimes) to read books that empower me, like books about magic or the occult, or self-help, spiritual books. I don't know if you're already doing that, and it might not help you, it just helps me.

[sugarpop]

Originally Posted by DanaC

That sounds painful.

hmmm, I think it sounds powerful, and healing. Maybe painful as well, but still empowering.

[DanaC]

Thanks sugar. That is pretty much what I was trying to say (minus the witchcraft:P).

I also have an intermittent problem with depression and your AA sponsor was so right: change occurs in the moment of consciousness. But not just change, also peace. Recognising what you can and cannot change and reaching a liveable compact with both.

Thanks, Sugarpop. I grew up in AA, the daughter of an alcoholic, and went to many meetings myself.

I don't really buy into consciously changing my feelings... I believe in feeling them fully, appreciating them for what they are, and then letting them go. They may still be there, but once I'm not hanging on to it, I'm free to move on to other emotions. It's gotten me through some incredibly difficult times. I won't go into detail but I faced some challenges, growing up. I've battled despair and anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-injury and other self-destructive urges, some exacerbated by OCD. Working through them as a young adult helped gain me some pretty functional skills for coping with loss and grief. In a way, mourning the loss of a major love relationship is not all that different from mourning the death of a loved one, except for the illusion of control.

I've been heartbroken before. I know I will be OK, it's just that I want to be OK right now, and last night was one of the less OK nights I've had in a while. For a moment, I would have given anything to NOT have been on a date, so I could go sit next to him and talk to him and smell his smell. But that's part and parcel of the illusion of control... it would feed the hope. Someday I'll be glad to see him, but it won't be because I am hoping he will love me back. It will just be pleasure in seeing an old friend.

But not yet.

And hopefully sometimes I can come here and vent.

[sugarpop]

Tiki, if you've never read The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, I highly suggest picking up a copy. He talks all about feeling things fully and then letting them go (let it flow and let it go ). It's a great book, with tons of useful information, but it is told in the form of a story, and a really interesting story. It's not very long either. You can read it in a day or two. Dan Millman is the author. It's one of my favorite books, and it's great to refer back to it now and then.

Dana, I'm glad I got the gist of it.

Thanks, I may check it out.

[capnhowdy]

This damn rain is making my life miserable especially at work. Hanging around inside the house all day or sitting around in the shop makes for a long, long day.

Positive: It makes the scotch taste better come 1700 hrs.

We are supposed to get a one day break from it on Saturday. Sure hope we have time to finish our horseshoe tourney.

[where are the fnords]

twisting my ankle monday night, shoes had no soul,
now i have to explain it to my boss why i couldnt come in yeserday
better still, im out of sick hours and im still limping

[Shawnee123]

The guy who runs the cafe near my office is my buddy; we always pick on each other as I get coffee.

He told me yesterday that leaving on Monday his artificial leg broke into two. I said "what'd you do?" He said he hopped to his car (not a short distance,) went to his "guy" and got it fixed.

He told his boss the next day "if anyone else had broken their leg in half they wouldn't be here...see what a good hire I was?"

He's a cool guy.