Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 299

ZenGum · 03-09-2012, 10:37 PM

Like gastral reflux.

Gravdigr · 03-10-2012, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

here we go again... sigh

Oh c'mon...that one was funny as hell.

I do, however, recognize the exception to the rule.

Nirvana · 03-12-2012, 11:47 AM

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

footfootfoot · 03-12-2012, 01:04 PM

chuckles

Sheldonrs · 03-12-2012, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

chuckles

OK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmBK5GslDaQ

Nirvana · 03-13-2012, 12:08 PM

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like Poop!"

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

BigV · 03-13-2012, 02:08 PM

bleurgh!

tha's some funny shit right there.

monster · 03-13-2012, 11:43 PM

better without the first and last lines, though....

footfootfoot · 03-14-2012, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

better with ...and then I learned not to mess with old people.

infinite monkey · 03-14-2012, 01:46 PM

better with

Quote:

.

footfootfoot · 03-14-2012, 03:33 PM

IDFTFY?

I didn't fix that for you.

ZenGum · 03-14-2012, 06:26 PM

Woah .... Zen Sarcasm ... whoooaaahhh .....

Clodfobble · 03-14-2012, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

What's in the box?

I can't read this sentence without thinking of the end of the movie Seven, so in my head it's Brad Pitt wailing, "What's in the boooox?!" and then it turns out the box is full of poop.

Gravdigr · 03-15-2012, 01:46 AM

BigV · 03-15-2012, 02:38 PM

Did you just call his wife a shithead?

03-09-2012, 10:37 PM	#4471
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Like gastral reflux. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

03-12-2012, 11:47 AM	#4473
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Why people don't attend school reunions Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida. Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-12-2012, 01:04 PM	#4474
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	chuckles __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

03-13-2012, 12:08 PM	#4476
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	What's in the box? A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like Poop!" The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." Don't mess with old people. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-13-2012, 02:08 PM	#4477
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	bleurgh! tha's some funny shit right there. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

03-13-2012, 11:43 PM	#4478
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	better without the first and last lines, though.... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-14-2012, 03:33 PM	#4481
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	IDFTFY? I didn't fix that for you. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

03-14-2012, 06:26 PM	#4482
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Woah .... Zen Sarcasm ... whoooaaahhh ..... __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

03-15-2012, 01:46 AM	#4484
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

03-15-2012, 02:38 PM	#4485
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Did you just call his wife a shithead? __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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