Humor...I Need Humor...

[Gravdigr]

It takes me hours to look this natural.

[Gravdigr]

[xoxoxoBruce]

That would only be true if McD's burgers were cow.

[Gravdigr]

Turns out he wasn't so fond of his brother, after all.

[BigV]

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

******

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

******

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

******

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

******

A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

******

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

******

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

******

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

******

An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

******

Two is the oddest prime.

******

If it's green, it's biology
if it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

[Carruthers]

My neighbour has a lot of time on her hands so I suggested she could do with a hobby. She tells me that she's taken up yoga.

Well, it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

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I've sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

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A woman walks into a bar and says "Barman! An innuendo, please".

Certainly madam. Would you like a large one?

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Then there was the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic.

He'd lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

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[Gravdigr]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[BigV]

Poor ol' Billy Bob shoulda used more lube to a tractor.

[Gravdigr]

[BigV]

orange you glad it wasn't banana?

[monster]

[Dina]

Dog, have you seen my depressant?

[Clodfobble]

That's funny. You mean "anti-depressant," though. There's not a big market for drugs that make you depressed.

[Dina]

Oh, thank you very much!

[Dina]

An Indian psychoanalyst: Do you want to dance about it?