Humor...I Need Humor...

[Happy Monkey]

It seems to me that the first number four could apply across the board.

[SmartAZ]

A blond goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," she says, "I haven't had sex for ages, but I have orgasms every night. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Hmm. Well, obviously you're coming unscrewed!"

[footfootfoot]

Wolf: "How long have you thought you were a dog?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."

later...

Wolf: "You used to think you were a dog, but now you're cured?"
Patient: "Sure. Feel my nose."

[BigV]

A young blonde woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."

[capnhowdy]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a young and very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch. She knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse, and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[BigV]

Zzzzzziiiiiiing!

You got me on that one. I did not see that coming. Very funny!

[footfootfoot]

A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V.
The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure.
"Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought.

The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup.

The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway,
"Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?"

LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old."

rimshot

[BigV]

LOL!!!!!

Actually, SonofV would say "How the BEEP should I know? I'm only six years old." and really say "beep". He's very aware of what he can say and not say, and edits himself verbally in this way. Cracks me up.

[footfootfoot]

That's funny. Where'd he pick that up? And will he paste a "parental warning" sticker on himself someday?

[Billy Budapest]

Excellent!!

[Billy Budapest]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you,
Mr. American, for letting me in this country!"

But the passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American. I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."

I don't get it

[Billy Budapest]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

This thread is so long I must admit to have failed to check back to see if this has been entered already. Even so it may have been missed by quite a few. I think I have seen similar but it still made me smile...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, and spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
-------------------------

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans, There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. You are photo journalist working for
a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic
disaster.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, and disappearing under the water.
===============================================

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the
President, George W.Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options- you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting thedeath of one of
the world's most famous men.
===============================================

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would
you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

I'd save the film and use my digital camera!

[Billy Budapest]

mr ducks
mr not ducks
osar
cdbdis
whale oil beef hooked
mr ducks

[mitheral]

Originally Posted by Torrere

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

The rallist version:
Heaven is where the rallymaster is British,
the checkpoint workers Swiss,
the hospitality done by the French,
the service crews German,
and the local law enforcement Italians.
-
Hell is where the rallymaster is German,
the checkpoint workers Italian,
the hospitality done by the British,
the service crews French,
and the local law enforcement Swiss.

[Kagen4o4]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

A gal from NYC moved to Seattle and wound up as next door neighbor to the family V.
The movers unloaded her furniture in a light rain and she surveyed her new surroundings withmixed pleasure.
"Well the weather will be good for my complexion" she thought.

The next morning she awoke and took a stroll around the block, taking in her new home, after a while she was pretty wet from the steady drizzle and she returned home to unpack and have a nice cup of soup.

The next day she went outside and saw LittleV playing trucks in the rain in his driveway,
"Hey kid." she asked "does it ever stop raining around here?"

LittleV looks up and says "How the hell should I know? I'm only six years old."

rimshot

?? is there more to this?