What's upsetting you today?

[Trilby]

Wow. Not to ignore you monster - i am sorry for your loss - but
just wow. Who knew thst IM and me are the very same person?

I've been in CBT since the cancer - what? Four years now? And still
it's a struggle. But worth it. Worth it.

I wishi could be more fluent here - damn this point and type thing!
drives me nuts and clogs my thought process but i just want
you all to know Esp. Mtp and IM how much you both have helped
me todsy. Hugs.

[monster]

I am thankful for my real-life friends who schooled me on what I should do. Turns out the appropriate thing is to go to the visitation and skip the funeral. Because this is a full-on Catholic do. Visitation is about showing your support for the family of the deceased, funeral is for those who really knew the deceased. Or so they tell me. So that's what I'll do.

[infinite monkey]

That's true, monster. If it's someone I knew really well I will also attend the funeral, or instead of the visitation.

in state just means a 'viewing' as far as I can see.

(I hope you don't mind some levity: the first visitation my youngest niece went to really confused her. She tells us later "we went to visit him and he was already dead!)

So sorry for the loss of your friend's mother.

[infinite monkey]

Originally Posted by Brianna

Wow. Not to ignore you monster - i am sorry for your loss - but
just wow. Who knew thst IM and me are the very same person?

I've been in CBT since the cancer - what? Four years now? And still
it's a struggle. But worth it. Worth it.

I wishi could be more fluent here - damn this point and type thing!
drives me nuts and clogs my thought process but i just want
you all to know Esp. Mtp and IM how much you both have helped
me todsy. Hugs.

Can you recommend someone for CBT? I've looked for someone who also takes my insurance...PM me if you can.

:hugs:

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by monster

I am thankful for my real-life friends who schooled me on what I should do. Turns out the appropriate thing is to go to the visitation and skip the funeral. Because this is a full-on Catholic do. Visitation is about showing your support for the family of the deceased, funeral is for those who really knew the deceased. Or so they tell me. So that's what I'll do.

Firstly, my sympathy to you.

As you know, we don't do the visitation thing here (open casket?)

I only know how to do the Catholic thing, which would be for anyone and everyone to go to the full-on Mass. People who simply attend the same church do that here, even if they only nodded to them across the aisle once, even people they knew years ago who saw the obituary in the Bucks Herald. Mum took me to a number of funeral Masses when Grandad was very ill. Shopping for ideas. The only real rule is to give up your seat if it ends up being standing room only and you know you were only a random acquaintance. Otherwise the more the merrier - better people who came in out of the rain than a poor send-off.

And everyone and anyone is welcome back to the house (or hall) afterwards. If you don't have a good reason not to attend, and don't, it's considered mildly rude - on a par with calling a new partner by an ex's name, say.

It's attending the graveside that's considered close friends and family only.
It's a terrible faux pas to intrude there.

Glad you got the right advice from the locals.
Turns out funerals are more cultural than religious in many ways.

[monster]

Another friend confirmed visitation was the thing. I went, she was surprised and pleased to see me (it was a good 40 minute drive and she knows I think American funerals and funerals in general are a palaver). The poor woman is stuck there for SEVEN HOURS, forced to watch people pray by and kiss an embalmed made-up corpse that looks nothing like her mom (My friend is not religious)

[henry quirk]

The unfortunate tendency of some (perhaps, many; perhaps most) to treat strangers with more kindness, civility, care, than a friend or loved family member.

Familiarity, it seems, indeed breeds a kind of contempt.

[Clodfobble]

Sometimes it's justified though.

"Strangers are nicer to me than you are!"
"That's because strangers have no idea what a bitch you are."

[anonymous]

I can still clearly hear the sound of my heart breaking when I was told by the person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else on earth that "People like you because they don't really know you. If they really knew you they would hate you."

It changed me, and not in a good way.

[henry quirk]

Often, it's not.

[henry quirk]

Did you tell this person to go fuck him- or her-self?

[anonymous]

Probably. I probably got knocked around because of it. Maybe just some more verbal abuse. It's a time dead and gone but those words never leave my head.

[anonymous]

The saying 'we always hurt the one we love' is a buncha crap. We should cherish the ones we love.

Is it cuz they're more likely to stick around anyways?

[Clodfobble]

For the record, I'm not talking about family members. I firmly believe that your family is the only one you ever get, and deliberate cruelty is never justified. I guess I've just been in too many situations where other people felt I owed them something based on completely imaginary relationships between us. I would think you, henry, of all people, would be of the mindset that no one owes anyone anything.

Anyway, sorry. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I need to just shut up now.

[henry quirk]

Probably. And: because one sticks around, one becomes taken for granted, and, with that, the inhibitions of the other fall and shit is sometimes heaped up.

Clod is, of course, right: sometimes it's justified...'course sometimes bashing a head in is justified...the exception is not the baseline.

And, with this topic, the baseline is, again, 'The unfortunate tendency of some (perhaps, many; perhaps most) to treat strangers with more kindness, civility, care, than a friend or loved family member.'

*shrug*

'nuff said.