What's upsetting you today?

[orthodoc]

Addendum - our settlement hasn't even been properly finalized, due to the lawyer's incompetence. The guy never sent me the quit-claim deed for our property, and never did the papers for splitting the pension. At the moment I'm 'up' in my ex's view because the property is worth more than the pension. But they aren't linked; my ex put a number on the property and offered me half of that. It's a little inflated in today's market but won't be in a few years. The pension has done the same as all pensions in recent years and isn't as much as the property, but that's not the point - they aren't linked.

The incompetent lawyer isn't the one I consulted in private; I need to contact MY lawyer now and get his help in enforcing the settlement, clearly. Get the quit-claim deed done, get the pension split, so there aren't any muddied waters. Letting go of the property is a wrench, as I mentioned before - it was always much more MY place, my woods, my gardens, my place (except for the perfect house). But it isn't worth my freedom.

Freedom is scary, though. I know others here are going through the same thing. I don't know whether, in a year and a half, I'll have a job or health insurance. I may be uninsured with cancer. I may have no job to go to, or a job that fails to provide either the insurance I need or the income to pay my medical expenses. I can't return to Canada instantly; I'll have to write Board exams and get licensed, which will take at least a year. I wouldn't have insurance there for at least three months after being physically present; so a minimum of fifteen months uninsured. And then there's the issue of having insurance but no care.

So where do you turn when you've done everything you were supposed to all your life, and paid your dues, tried your best, and still everything crashes and burns? I'm not the only one. What do people do?

[ZenGum]

Lawyers? Don't you have one in-house now?

[orthodoc]

I suppose. But he's not exactly objective. He's already at the point of never speaking to his father again, and conflicted because he needs a little financial help for the next few months in order to meet expenses in DC until his promotion comes through (tiny apartment, minimal expenses beyond rent, but it's DC and his salary is entry-level). So far my ex has been providing that help; I can do it, as I mentioned, if the alimony continues for the next couple of years. I don't want to pull the kids into this, though. Not fair.

[ZenGum]

Ah, yeah, good point. Had forgotten that. I was thinking of sic-ing him onto your current lawyer.

[orthodoc]

That would be a possibility.

At this point I'm having trouble thinking ahead. There's something demoralizing about being found not good enough - not worth the effort - on one hand, and worth only as much as it takes to keep an estate together, on the other. Makes it tempting to just chuck the game altogether.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Hmm, so the choices are...
Acquiesce to his demands requests, and feel financially secure while you beat the cancer and achieve your academic/professional goals.

Or, get a pitbull lawyer and stick to your plan, by making him stick to the agreement, and risking have everything blow up in your face.

Of course the first option, putting him back in control, may result in him pressuring you(or at least trying to), to give up your professional goals, preferring to have you safe at home away from bad influences... at least long enough to rearrange his finances. Even if he allowed you to continue, you'd have the stress of having failed to make the break you wanted, plus almost certain the stress you felt before you made the break.

The second option gives you the stress of fighting for what was previously supposed to be settled, and the possibility of not being physically strong enough to finish school/licensing. In other words, failure.

Looks like either way it won't be easy, so I guess it comes down to whether making the break was necessary, or just looked like a better option. How bad do you want it, what will you risk to try?

Well after all that thinking out loud (blovating) I wish I had some sage advice. But it looks to me like you're the only one that can make the decision.

[limey]

Oh Orthodoc, I wish I had some sage advice, too. You are in my thoughts - I wish you the clarity to see what you need to do and the strength to carry out your decisions.

[DanaC]

What the others have said. Sorry things have got so damned difficult, honey. Whatever your decision we'll still be here to provide a collective shoulder and ear.

*hugs*

[Trilby]

I wish I could help in some tangible way-all this bullshit you have to go thru and being so sick on top of it!

Love rays your way, orthodoc.

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Hmm, so the choices are...
Acquiesce to his demands requests, and feel financially secure while you beat the cancer and achieve your academic/professional goals.

Or, get a pitbull lawyer and stick to your plan, by making him stick to the agreement, and risking have everything blow up in your face.

Of course the first option, putting him back in control, may result in him pressuring you(or at least trying to), to give up your professional goals, preferring to have you safe at home away from bad influences... at least long enough to rearrange his finances. Even if he allowed you to continue, you'd have the stress of having failed to make the break you wanted, plus almost certain the stress you felt before you made the break.

The second option gives you the stress of fighting for what was previously supposed to be settled, and the possibility of not being physically strong enough to finish school/licensing. In other words, failure.

Looks like either way it won't be easy, so I guess it comes down to whether making the break was necessary, or just looked like a better option. How bad do you want it, what will you risk to try?

Well after all that thinking out loud (blovating) I wish I had some sage advice. But it looks to me like you're the only one that can make the decision.

Yeah ... this diagnosis changed a lot. I needed to leave, I was self-destructing otherwise. Too unhappy for too long. It wasn't just a better option. But here I am, alone, with health insurance for only two years and who knows after that whether I'll ever get it again? (If Romney gets in, the answer to that is clear.)

I was starting to toy with the idea that the ex and I could be friends, could maybe go on a few trips as friends, share some things. He's the devil I know (less scary than taking on devils I don't) and as long as he kept on as he was, it would've been feasible. It's when old patterns and behaviors show up, like the fanatical control over money thing, and the desire to have life arranged to his convenience (my work included), that my spirits drop and I don't know that this can work.

If I go it alone I may fail totally. I may get really sick later in chemo and lose time/lose my job; I may have a recurrence within 18 months (lots of women do), and be without insurance right when I need more chemo; I may really crash and burn.

Is it wrong to return to the property that's really MINE, take comfort in that, and try to keep my boundaries up? It's obviously going to be an ongoing battle. And the issue of having worked so hard to get away, only to get sucked back in.

It's all too much. I don't think I can make this decision tonight. It's just depressing that the facade only lasted such a short time. Guess it's better to know early on, like with my 'friend' who turned out not to be one.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

Is it wrong to return to the property that's really MINE, take comfort in that, and try to keep my boundaries up? It's obviously going to be an ongoing battle. And the issue of having worked so hard to get away, only to get sucked back in.

No. There is no right or wrong, beyond being forced/coerced into doing what you don't want to.
Is there anyway to establish Canadian residency, like buying property, or renting an address, without/before actually moving there?

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Is there anyway to establish Canadian residency, like buying property, or renting an address, without/before actually moving there?

No. You must be physically present (proven by documents, eg passport stamps etc.) for at least 3 calendar months; you can't be away more than 30 days out of the first 6 months, either. To maintain eligibility for OHIP you must be present at least 153 days/year. Government staff decide your date of eligibility after examining your papers. In general, access to an OHIP card is jealously guarded. It's a photo card that must be updated every so often, and every time you move. Failure to update it means it'll show as invalid when it gets swiped at the hospital, and that means you're uninsured.

You are expected to carry private insurance to cover the waiting period, to cover all non-covered services (eg physio, medications, eye exams, etc. - the list expands year by year), and to cover medical costs while traveling. I will/would have more difficulty getting private insurance there than here. There are no policies in place to prevent cherry-picking. With my health issues, I wouldn't get coverage.

Eta - you have to prove that Ontario is your primary residence too, not just one of your residences. Ontario driver's license, pay stubs, copies of Ontario tax returns, etc.

[BigV]

heya ortho...

I have a question. your ex, did he suggest that he wants to remarry **you**??

[orthodoc]

Ah, I see I didn't actually make that clear in my first post ... yes, it's *me* he wants to remarry asap.

Things would be so much simpler if he had someone else in mind and just wanted to get the settlement finalized.

[Big Sarge]

Marry him!!!! Then Gravdigr, Busterb, and I can take on a little trip to the old sewage lagoon.

Of course I am just kidding, in the case he comes up missing or something.