What's upsetting you today?

[orthodoc]

My daughter just called to say she's dropping out of college in the middle of her junior year. She feels she can't do a couple of the mandatory courses but hasn't talked to her academic advisor. There happens to be a boyfriend who has not gone to college and who has expressed his opinion (last fall) that a degree isn't needed. He thinks he can make money with a 'Ghostbusters' company - a paranormal investigation company. Really.

My daughter was home for more than a month, just went back to school - and in all that time didn't talk to me or to her father about any of this. She thinks she's going to pay for her apartment and make ends meet while working at Walmart and a local stable. She has no job at the moment. Stable owners pay their help in lessons, hardly ever in cash.

I know it's her life. But oh. my. god.

I can't bear it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You might want to slip in a couple remarks so you can give her an 'I told you so', later.

[Nirvana]

Show her the new Hispanic college commercial where the Mom is telling the son he is going to college and he disagrees and the film changes showing his life with a college degree and his life without.

[orthodoc]

I just logged on to her student page, where I used to pay her tuition; I didn't do that last fall, being otherwise occupied and my ex being responsible for tuition payment etc. She hasn't registered for any spring classes. There are no charges to pay because she has no classes. (There had been some worry about her qualifying for in-state tuition rates now that she's been there a year. She told me and my ex in December that she'd inquired, submitted paperwork, etc. She told both of us tonight via text that she was granted in-state status, but that makes no sense, with her not being registered.)

Her grades from last fall were fine, a small drop but still perfectly respectable.

She told me tonight that she went to classes this week. She told me during her winter break what classes she was taking this spring. Meanwhile, she had already chosen not to register for spring classes last November. The decision was made then.

I just can't believe it. She lied to me for over a month while home. She had lots of private time with me, she could have brought all this up. Instead we talked about how we were going to both graduate in May of 2014, how we'd be traveling between schools, what a big celebration we would have. She lied through our entire conversation tonight, as far as her status with the university goes. I am just ... stunned. My heart is breaking.

[DanaC]

Maybe she just didn't want to drop anything else on you? Maybe she preferred to engage in the 'we'll both graduate together' dream with you rather than burst the bubble now, whilst you've so much other shit to deal with?

[limey]

Oh Ortho! I really don't know what to say. Perhaps Dani is right, though ... she just didn't know how to handle it with you in person when you've got so much on your plate now, and chickened out? I am sorry you're really going through it right now!

[Trilby]

ugh. Ortho-I'm so sorry about this. If it helps at all, my older boy did a similar thing-he got a scholarship to Toledo and bolted after two weeks (hated toledo) then went to an uber expensive private college (Walsh-Catholic college in Canton, oh) THEN took a year off completely to live in the slums of Columbus while becoming a personal trainer. took the whole year off. He learned he couldn't make it; didn't like living in the slums and the next summer he was at Ohio State and he'll graduate in the Spring 2013. His father was crushed when he blew the scholarship off (it was a football one, not academic) but the kid had to do what he had to do. My heart goes out to you, but she's going to have to learn her own way; just like we all do.

a year or so of Ramen noodles and sketchy neighbors will change her mind.

[Griff]

I'm sorry ortho kids can fill or break our hearts so easily. At some point they all have to make their own mistakes, we just have to carry the hope that they will recover from them.

[Chocolatl]

Sorry ortho. Hope she comes clean about the lies -- the dropout is hard enough for you as a parent, but I'm sure her deceit hurts at a different level.

[footfootfoot]

Oh Ortho, that is heartbreaking. Maybe she did feel the pressure of wanting to please you or not feeling that she'd be heard if she were to tell you the truth or maybe she knows in her heart of hearts that this boyfriend is bad news and she is fucking up her life but doesn't want to admit that to herself by admitting it to you.

Sounds like he may not be the best influence on her and the real issue here seems not to be college or even her lying to you, which are frustrating and heartbreaking, respectively, but that she seems to be abdicating her self authority to someone else.

I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. Maybe rather than confronting her she needs re-assurance from you that you love her whatever her, and you can decide if you want to call them stupid, choices she makes.

Seems like insecurity and or fear of what your response will be. But Ramen noodles and Walmart will either straighten her out or not.

Other questions, reefer? drugs? drinking? boyfriend?

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Trilby

He learned he couldn't make it; didn't like living in the slums and the next summer he was at Ohio State and he'll graduate in the Spring 2013.

I read Columbus as Columbia and thought, "Well at least he learned a life lesson!"
Looks like he did anyway, just closer to home.

[orthodoc]

The deceit is really hard to cope with. I understand her feeling constrained about talking it out last fall - she was to register for spring courses in October and that's when I started chemo. But to be home for a month in Dec. - Jan. and have all that time together, just us ... we've always been close, I always thought she could talk to me. The fact that she lied during our actual conversation last night (she doesn't know yet that I know she didn't register for the spring; she presented it that she went to classes last week and is now 'seeing the need' to take a year off) just floors me.

She is a pleaser; she is avoidant in her style of handling confrontation; she also has a history of going along with boyfriends and not acknowledging to us or to herself that the bf is running the show. She got out of a relationship with a VERY controlling bf last summer and fell straight into her current relationship. This one has all sorts of red flags (too intense too soon, bf declaring undying love within days of beginning to go out, her changing major interests and activities to line up with his, etc.).

The real issue - you nailed it, foot - she IS abdicating her life, her decisions, her responsibilities, her autonomy, to someone else. Again. THAT is what's breaking my heart and filling me with dread. She doesn't seem to have a sense of self - she talks a good talk at times, but what she actually does isn't consistent with the talk. I'm so fearful for her, going forward, letting her life be dictated by whatever abusive/controlling male is in her life at any given time. I wanted so much better for her. I hope there's still a possibility she'll break this pattern.

Meanwhile, it's Ramen noodles and Walmart. She hasn't done the math, I could tell last night - she hasn't begun to realize how her life is going to change. She thinks she's going to relax, earn some money, save some money, get all happy and ready to go back at some point ... whereas, on a Walmart wage, she won't quite meet basic expenses, no money for clothes, certainly nothing to save, no emergency fund should the car need repairs, nothing to pay car insurance with ... reality is going to hit hard. I hate to see it happen but it has to.

I did reassure her last night that I love her unconditionally - no matter what she chooses in her life, no matter what happens, I love her. I do. I would never 'not want to see her anymore', which she expressed as a fear. (I do NOT want to see the boyfriend, who is supposed to visit in March, but that's another issue.) I told her that I'll always be there for her; I want good things for her, want her to have a good life, but it's not up to me to dictate what she does or how she gets there. But I'm here for support and advice.

Still, the lying hurts a lot. I feel like I can never believe her again.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

...she IS abdicating her life, her decisions, her responsibilities, her autonomy, to someone else.

Chip off the old block.

[orthodoc]

I guess I deserve that. Just more way I've screwed up in my adult life and hurt my kids.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by orthodoc

The real issue - you nailed it, foot - she IS abdicating her life, her decisions, her responsibilities, her autonomy, to someone else. Again. THAT is what's breaking my heart and filling me with dread. She doesn't seem to have a sense of self - she talks a good talk at times, but what she actually does isn't consistent with the talk. I'm so fearful for her, going forward, letting her life be dictated by whatever abusive/controlling male is in her life at any given time. I wanted so much better for her. I hope there's still a possibility she'll break this pattern.

What is her opinion on your ex-husband? I think I remember you saying that some of the kids were on your side, and some weren't. Because she is clearly fulfilling a pattern of dating people like her dad. Perhaps it might be useful to bring up the idea that we all tend to marry our parents if we're not careful, and let her examine for herself whether this boyfriend is like her dad (assuming she doesn't worship him, if she does it's probably not very helpful.)

A side note to consider, did she just drop off the college's radar, or officially withdraw? If you file the withdrawal paperwork, there's no hard feelings and you can come back as necessary. If you just disappear, that goes on your record and will be on there if she tries to transfer those credits anywhere else in the future. I think most places will let you skip one semester without penalty, but she really, really should officially withdraw if that's going to be her choice.