Humor...I Need Humor...

[thrillhouse]

Originally Posted by Radar

He can afford it? You must be a woman. No man would say, "Oh, it's just 600 million dollars. He can afford it."

and you are assuming way too much.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by glatt

What's the matter with you? Are you skipping the gossip and celebrity pages to keep abreast of real news?

I just found out about it myself when I turned on the TV over the weekend, and there were a bunch of talking heads talking about how his $$$$$$ will be split up since he had no pre-nup.

I am slipping, mea culpa mea culpa. I usually have my finger on the pulse of the tawdry world of the rich and famous. I must be working too much.

I'll be seeing my dentist soon so i can get caught up w/ People mag.

[Shocker]

ok this is the humor thread...so back on topic...

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed,
on her bed.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
Idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't
care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the
doctor says that
Not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Sun_Sparkz]

CUTE

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go

Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box...........





"I heard you the first time pal !! Give me a break.........I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

[Cyclefrance]

Gasman calls at a house, but the owner is out. However owner has a parrot, but parrot only knows one phrase.

Gasman knocks at door. Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman says: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.'

Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot again: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot: 'Who is it?'

Gasman: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!!!'

This goes on for some time the gasman getting more and more stressed, to the extent that, being unfit and having high cholesterol, he suffers a sudden heart attack, collapses on the doorstep and dies.

Eventually, the owner comes home to find the body. He checks it over for a pulse, can find none and says out loud but to himself: 'My god, he's dead, but who is it?'

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

[Pie]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Oh my god -- I watched that exact episode of The Electric Company (Heeeey you guys!) curtesy of NetFlix last night when I was working out! 'cept it was the plumber, and he was there to fix the sink...

[glatt]

Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Growing up my dad would take us or any combination of us & cousins camping. He always had trucks so we'd sit in the back and take turns telling jokes and storys. We'd have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. That joke was one of our consistent favorites. Except it was the plumber too.


-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wonder what Mark Hamell is up to these days?

[dar512]

Originally Posted by Sun_Sparkz

"I heard you the first time pal !! Give me a break.........I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, "Pray, which leg comes after which?"
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

[Cyclefrance]

Ref Gasman/Plumber vs Parrot:

You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days!

Sorry, but you have to accept that only the long-term memory holds out in the end....

From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue

[Cyclefrance]

As Promised Chris Terrill's (previous fiance to Heather Mills) open letter to Macca in the Sunday Times

[wolf]

Originally Posted by glatt

Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

Electric Company Song Lyrics Archive

[wolf]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days!

Here on the other side of the big pond visits from the Gasman are rare, and the plumber frequent.

Most often the only interaction one has with the utility companies (gas/water/electric) is when they come to read the meter ... which no longer involves an invasion of your home ... meters are either outdoors or electronically monitored.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue

Sure.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Sure.

Guy goes into a paint shop and walks up to the salesman: 'Can I have a small pot of blue paint, please?', he asks.

Salesman asks: ' What shade, sir?'

The guy's not sure: 'What shades are there?' he asks

The salesman reels off loads of names of different shades of blue: sky blue, azure blue, midnight blue, aquamarine. etc, etc.

The Guy is confused and still can't make up his mind, so the salesman says: 'Look. Maybe I can help. What exactly are you going to paint?'

The guy replies quite nonchalantly:' It's to paint my budgie.'

The salesman is gobsmacked: 'What!?' he exclaims. 'You can't do that. That will do the bird no good at all - in fact it will most likely kill it!'

'No it won't,' replies the guy, 'my budgie was originally yellow, but after about six months I got fed up with yellow and so I painted it green. Now it's been green for six months and I'm getting bored with that so I thought I'd paint him blue instead.'

The salesman is still not sure but after a lot of back and forth arguing he decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and sells him a small pot of duck egg blue paint, feeling that this is probably as good a shade as any to use.

Three months go by and then the guy turns up in the paint shop again, he goes up to the salesman and asks for a small pot of red paint. The salesman is a bit wary: 'Is this for the budgie again?' he asks.

'Don't be silly,' says the guy, 'whoever heard of a red budgie. Anyway my budgie died.'

'There you are, told you so,' says the saleman. 'Told you that painting it blue would kill it!'

'Oh no,' says the guy. 'It wasn't painting it blue that killed it, it was getting the green off with the blowtorch.'