What's upsetting you today?

[DanaC]

Bloody hell. Sorry chika. *hugs*

[Clodfobble]

Sorry for being so late on the updates, but yes, we're home again. He's hopping around like nothing ever happened. Of course, he just had to give the original viral infection to his sister, now she's the one who's sick. No reason to think that she'll develop the same physical complication though, we were told it was a pretty rare event even given his history of chronic lymphoplasia (there's your word of the day.)

Sundae, I'm sorry to hear about your dad and your liver. I hope the biopsy comes back with helpful results.

[Griff]

Sorry Sundae my Dad is on the same side of the street as yours.

[Nirvana]

Fuckuppery is a perfect word for all that all at once! So sorry Sundae..

[infinite monkey]

I want to throw my hands up in the air and surrender. White flag. Better yet: retreat! Run away! Run away!

We had a system consultant in and he was really on my side. It was like 3 days of whirlwind meetings, about all sorts of things.

So he gave me some options and ideas...but nothing seems to be working right. I'm trying to wrap my head around all the info I got in the past few days but I feel completely confused. (I do have trouble concentrating these days. I don't know if it's mostly that, a symptom of my depression, or mostly how hard this system...in our configuration...is to work with.)

So the project is priority 1 is giving me fits. I'm getting emails asking for numbers. I can't give numbers when the reports don't return what I need. And...the other things that need done arent' getting done.

I'm completely stressed and full of anxiety and I don't know what to do. One person finally understood the challenges I face, and now he's gone, and I can't get where I need to be.

Going forward I think I have the right processes in place to make this so much easier. But I still have two years of crap to fix, and they offered me The Sidler to help...which is nice and I know he will help but he also comes into my office saying "are you doing that what about that and you can do this..." and I don't know when he knows what he's talkign about and when he doesn't and it just confuses me more.

I am so freaking tired in my brain. I'm finally in a spot where I can at least see the hurdles, but I doubt if I even make it over the very first one. Maybe I need to say "I just can't do this. I just can't." Even the swooper said that we have a lot of work ahead (all of us) and this last week...well, not like any of us can say "whew, that's done." Yet I still have all this pressure and I don't know what to do.

And the only person in charge I would feel safe going to doesn't work on Friday.

I'm crying my fucking face off. This isn't right. I'm not right, this isn't right. I'm losing my marbles.

[infinite monkey]

I can't quit. There is no way I can quit. I don't know what to do.

[glatt]

I'm sorry IM.

At least it's almost the weekend?

Is there some little thing you can focus on and just do, so you can cross it off your list? There will always be more, but don't worry about that right now, just focus on that little thing. You do a few little things, and you will probably feel better. Like you accomplished something.

[Griff]

Its the bloody stress. I'm just now feeling like I can really teach this year. I can't work with someone I don't trust. I know she's sharpening her knives because my other co-workers tell me. I'm gonna try to get something different next year to get my mojo back.

That was supposed to be empathy but then I made it about me. I'm sorry, I kinda feel what you feel.

[infinite monkey]

Thanks guys.

Griff: that was empathy, made me feel less alone in hell. This has to be what hell is like. Finding out I can't do something. Finding myself a failure (in more than just relationships I know I'm not alone there.)

glatt: Yeah, the thing is that this BIG thing is all I'm supposed to do right now.

Usually I'm glad for weekends but a weekend furlough isn't going to clear this head.

But I'm not arguing out your posts. Just having these posts to read is helping me. Thanks.

[glatt]

Can you break the big thing into little things?

Like if you have to fix an entire database, do it one record at a time? I obviously don't know what I'm talking about.

What I do know is that I have a ton of huge things I'm supposed to be doing, and they stress me out when I think about them. So I find little things to do instead.

Like I'm supposed to be working on cleaning out a bunch of workrooms and getting old files sent offsite. But it's overwhelming, so this morning I'm updating a list that needs to be updated, and processing some invoices. Calling a vendor. Shit like that.

[Sundae]

IM.
Get. Out. Of. That. Job.

Take your holiday or sick leave or have a GP sign you off or whatever.
Take compassionate leave. Say what you said here, that you're losing your marbles. No educational establishment wants a death on their records (not being callous, it's why I'm still being paid.)

Yes you can quit.
But fuck them sideways; make them sack you if it has an effect on anything you can claim.
Don't worry about your CV when this is making you so ill. What are you going to do? Get them to put a CV in your coffin?

[infinite monkey]

I thought it was going to work out. As many times as I've said I wish they'd just let me go...I still want to hold on to this job.

My family doesn't understand at all. Even as much as it's affecting me...they don't get it. It's just a job. Leave your job at your job. At the end of the day you can remember you can go home to....oh yeah, you can't do that you are alone. AND I CAN'T DO MY JOB.

I've been a good worker all my life. And now, I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I want to go away and sleep for a couple weeks, then do nothing.

I'm hearing complaints over a report that the other professional staff is working on. They're all in it together. "Oh, this doesn't work. Nothing works. This sucks." Well I love 'em but welcome to my fucking world.

I'm trying a couple things, but they're not working either.

Yes, I do almost wish they'd let me go. I have no way to live if I quit. Not for 3 months when I could cash in my retirement. Then work until I'm 90. But you're right Sundae, I'm not going to live until 90. I'm not going to make it to 50.

Maybe there is someone who could do this. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's not me. It doesn't matter, I'm completely burnt to a crisp right now.

maybe the weekend will help.

[Nirvana]

I wish your life was better IM

[Sundae]

Ah babba, I'm sorry.
You know that I don't know how things work in America.
All I know is this is making you so bloody unhappy.

Sorry if there really are no other options.

[infinite monkey]

There will be options. I'm just not thinking clearly right now.

And I finally just stopped trying to make sense of it and get some records fixed. No, I won't be delivering your numbers for you, have Inst. Research do that. All I have time to do is fix manually, fix manually, fix manually.

It's lunch and I could lay my head down on my desk and go right to sleep.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for the support. Thanks for caring. I don't really deserve it but somehow you all still find a way to care.