Humor...I Need Humor...

[dar512]

Thanks for the joke, Buddug. My oldest daughter will enjoy it, I think. She's been taking Spanish for the last two years and enjoys it.

Let me tweak you a bit by adding that when I emailed it to her, Outlook wanted me to change every instance where you had a space before punctuation.

Encantada de saberlo , dar512 ;-)

[bluecuracao]

Very funny! And you don't really have to know Spanish to get it.

Claro .

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by bluecuracao

God, I hope the Bishop didn't arrive too late.

ahh, my whimsical friend. You made me smile in a whimsical way....

teeheehee





ps. I think it was a staged death because the blood flow is in two different directions. Very unnatural.
( psst.. I watch alot of csi:p)

[footfootfoot]

The king is dead; long live the king!

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

The king is dead; long live the king!

I think he died of a broken heart



ok next ....



http://www.myconfinedspace.com/category/politics/

[Shawnee123]

I know that thing is a radar gun...but doesn't it leave some room for imagination? Kind of like it's saying...speed here and we'll gun you down. Gee, in my town they only gun you down for walking out of a bar!

[Pie]

The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements.

Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. This has enraged the President, who has demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, a special Presidential Commission has made the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are just spitting on the wrong side.

[velocityboy]

The latest internet pickup line: "Hey, can you show me how you put YouTube into mySpace?"

[skysidhe]

[capnhowdy]

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

I guess #31 would be, "Imagine there's no heaven," and #32 would be, "I'll have the California roll, please."

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE #1 THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

[skysidhe]

You Know You're From Seattle When.

You feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.

You invite twice as many people as you really want to a party since only half will actually show up.

You personally know someone from Alaska.

You consider floating bridges a pain in the butt, not an engineering marvel.

You know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."

You have roots in Oregon, Idaho or Montana, but wanted a high paying job.

You've tried to get a job in Alaska, especially a summer job only.

You think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, on snow or water.

You know at least three Microsoft burnouts, of which two are millionaires.

You use more than 5 words to order a cup of coffee. "I want to order an unleaded, double, short, skinny, wet cappuccino with a shot of Amaretto please."


A "designer" wardrobe comes from REI, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and Birkenstock.

You consider it a sunny day if the sun is visible at some point of the day.

You've been "snow" skiing in the RAIN more than in the snow.

When you're discussing rainforests and volcanoes, you're NOT talking about Hawaii.

You Remember the Kingdome


The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like Phyllis Diller is really a trans named Eva Destruction that used to play with Hole.

Your car insurance costs more because your neighbors don't have any!

Your mayor is straight, 1/2 your friends are gay, the man who delivers your mail has a bumper sticker that reads "when they pry it from my cold dead fingers....", and your Burger World drive thru order taker was a computer millionaire last week.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oaths Of Enlistment
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
Signature ___________
Date ______________

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual...er...I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
Signature ___________
Date____________

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually
live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
Signature ______________
Date ________________

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets
....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call.... salute.. ....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
Date ___________________
Ask Gunny

[dar512]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

You Know You're From Seattle When.

'
Been there. Done that.