What's upsetting you today?

[orthodoc]

Too upset, can't go to sleep.
It really doesn't matter; I'll be up all night with my Femara-induced neuropathy anyway, same old same old for the past 6 months. Nevertheless I have to show up and put in 80 hours/week for 40 hours' pay, while my co-worker puts in 16 hours' work for 20 hours' pay. It's typical corporate bs: her husband is head of Oncology (bitter irony), while mine pissed off the CEO and reaped the expected consequence.

I am tired, so tired. Haven't slept in weeks; every time I turn over or slightly wake, pain sears my forearms and wrists and into my hands, and I wake up. The pain gets me right up out of bed. After I walk around for 15-20 minutes, shaking my wrists and hands, it subsides to a dull, sullen grumble. I roll back into bed and position my arms with wrists extended, arms extended. It's not natural and soon I wake up, in pain again because I relaxed my arms and wrists.

I really really don't want to go to work/face work in the morning. But I can't see any other option; I don't know if I could tolerate the fallout of my husband going back to work because I can't carry on.

[xoxoxoBruce]

...in a very tightly-controlled way...

That's the basis for most of your trouble. You aren't being honest with him or yourself by swallowing your feelings. Maybe if you'd blown up now and then, he'd be paying more attention to your feelings.

Secondly, why the fuck do you need his approval for your fiber arts? Didn't your kids appreciate the clothes? Didn't the girl appreciate the dolls? Didn't the church appreciate the vestments? Didn't everyone but him appreciate your work?

And it really upsets me that my husband looks at my glass and sniffs it, and wrinkles his nose if it's vodka.

I don't know if I could tolerate the fallout of my husband going back to work because I can't carry on.

You're taking all this shit while you support the motherfucker?

Well it's not a surprise I saw this coming when you remarried.. and so did you.

[BigV]

I can't walk a mile in your shoes. I'd get one mostly on, and stumble and break my ankle trying to get the other on. A mile?! No fucking way.

However.

I do have my own thoughts and opinions, which I have mostly (almost completely) kept to myself on this topic, but xoB's remarks at the end there... like he's reading my mind.

I'm just gonna think out loud a little here... I like you ortho, I do. I admire many things about you (not an exhaustive list), your humor, your openness, your clear communications, your bravery and your fucking guts to get through aaaaallll the shit you've gotten through. I hated hearing about your terrible home situation, then biiig changes, HOORAY!. Then *more* changes, and for your own reasons, the sum total of all your reasons for and against, you remarried him.

It's just plain right for me to accept (As. If. there were any other reaction. pffft) your choice, but... Now it seems one or more of the negative factors is pressing on you. Maybe the sum total indicates still to stick with what you've got, but the things you see and hear and feel the most are the negative ones. It sucks for me to watch you suffer (wah me). I truly wish you were reporting different experiences.

I remember well my own anguish from my home life, and it's just that, a memory. *NONE* of the shit that was poisoning my life before is a significant presence in my life now. Mostly because I have different people, and at different distances than before, but also because my own boundaries are wwaaaaaay better. There's still room for improvement, but I have made strides. Life is much better as a direct result. And the lives of the people I previously worked so hard to love/protect/serve/teach/feed/provide for are also better, but really, it's because I'm taking better care of my own goddamn self. Some people needed to fuck off. Those that didn't voluntarily do so got help from me.

When I got rid of a lot of the shittiness, surprise, surprise, my life became a lot less stinky. I hope your life becomes less stinky too. I can't tell you what to do... no, wait. I can tell you what to do, but how, that's tactical, you have to figure that out in each situation yourself. But here's your overarching strategy, morning to nighttime, Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. You can't help anyone else if you're not able to function well yourself. Duh, these aren't absolute, fundamentalist ideas, not subject to reality. Don't be dumb about them. But orthodoc, let your own name move to the top of your list of people you like, people you love, people you want to protect and care for.

All those others will benefit as well, including those that truly need help fucking off. Trust me, the ones that need it the most know it the least. Be a pal, do them a favor, tell them.

[classicman]

What they said. I too ... been there done that.

[orthodoc]

Good thoughts, good advice, and I appreciate them. I did see the potential for this, although I hoped there had been enough drastic change to create a different dynamic in future. That said, I sometimes allow myself to vent (believe me, I am not always tightly-controlled) at my husband when I'm really projecting frustration from dealing with a middle-school dynamic among a dysfunctional staff at work, or I'm exhausted because I have neuropathy that doesn't let me sleep, etc. Not fair to him or to you here, who only hear my side of things.

I do think that stepping back and keeping my own priorities, values, and boundaries in place is going to be my best strategy, as you say, V. In the morning light, watching the winter sunshine create snow sparkles in the back garden and seeing the birds arrive, squabble, and fill themselves at the feeders, I feel so much at home in this place - it's my refuge. I feel I can navigate this situation. Solving things late at night with vodka is not a good strategy. I'll stay away from that.

I really appreciate your patience. Friends, you guys are.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'm glad to hear you don't always default to Canadian mode when he pisses you off, you know it's unhealthy to bottle it up all the time. Yell and scream occasionally, and pick out some cheap sacrificial dishes, for punctuating your bullet points, in advance, so you won't break something good by mistake.

No shit, it'll shake up the routine a little, get him wondering if he's pushed too far. Oh, and you could apply for a concealed carry permit, you don't need to own a gun to apply for the permit. Get extra application forms, you know, I case you screw one up. If you don't need them you can jut leave them laying around.

I have more.

[monster]

Stuck in St Louis. three cancellations and reschedules. should have been home hours ago. in hotel at airport but hard to enjoy when I'm tired and stressed and just want to be home. hoping the 8am flight will actually happen

[Clodfobble]

The fuckers at least paid for the hotel, right?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Air travelers faced a new round of headaches Sunday from a major winter storm, the second to disrupt air travel in a week. More than 4,560 flights had been canceled through Monday.

[monster]

company will reimburse for hotel. An hour til boarding, still, but I'm at the gate and my bag is off on a trip somewhere......

[glatt]

fingers crossed for you

[Griff]

Good luck today.

[monster]

thanks all. home

[DanaC]

yey

[xoxoxoBruce]

Good news!

And people think being an executive is easy.