Humor...I Need Humor...

[cowhead]

sorry this is a 'cut n' paste' but...damn if it isn't funny
>> Subject: Teacher Arrested
>>
>>
>>>
>>> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
>>> be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
>>> in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
>>> calculator.
>>>
>>> At a morning press conference, Attorney general Alberto Gonzalez said he
>>> believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
>>> being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>>>
>>> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
>>> solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
>>> search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
>>> and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
>>> belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
>>> in every country.
>>>
>>> As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to
>>> every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
>>> said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would
>>> have given us more fingers and toes."
>>>
>>>

[Spexxvet]

What the acorn say when it grew up?

Geometry (gee, I'm a tree)

[Cyclefrance]

The Indian chief is sitting outside his wigwam, when he notices one of his braves walk by scratching his head and muttering to himself in a worried sort of way.

'You look worried my son.' observes the chief.

'I have been wondering, oh chief... it is up to you to decide the names of the braves and squaws when they are born. How do you do this?'

'Why, it is simple my son. when a new child is born I look around me and choose a name from what I see. So if it is dark and I see an owl fly high silhouetted against the sky, then I name the child Dark Soaring Owl. If it daytime and I am by the river there, and I observe a great trout pass by then I will name the child Great Fish Swimming. It is that simple.'

'Oh' says the brave

'You do not seem to be satisfied and still seem worried,' says the chief. 'Come confide in me - tell me, what is it that so worries you, Two Dogs Shagging?'
'

[skysidhe]

Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff

ok those were silly



One hundred dollars

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100. The client gave the attorney a $100 bill. After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

[Shawnee123]

A young man in India noticed an elephant limping. Afraid of the mighty beast, yet filled with compassion, the young man examined the elephant's foot and removed a large thorn. The elephant gazed down at the man, roared the elephant roar, swished his trunk twice, and turned and walked away.

The man was forever changed by the beauty of this moment, knowing he could have been trampled and hurt.

Years later, the man had his son at the zoo. They stopped at the elephant enclosure. A large, older elephant walked over to the fence. He looked down at the man, gazing into his eyes, roared the elephant roar, and swished his trunk twice.

The man's eyes welled with tears. It had to be the elephant he had helped oh so many years ago. Overcome by emotion, the man scaled the elephant fence wanting to be near this creature that had meant so much in his life.

The elephant, with his trunk, picked the man up and violently smashed him against the fence. The man died instantly.

Probably not the same elephant, then.

[Clodfobble]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?











Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Damn, that takes me back 50 years, Clodfobble..... thank you.

[Clodfobble]

I heard it on the show "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery channel...

[footfootfoot]

A drunk is standing on the corner watching folks going about their business. Across the street he sees a dapper young man standing around in front of a hotel, who, every now and then will approach an attractive woman and speak to her for a moment. About half the time the woman slaps the man and hurries away. The other half of the time she'll stop, exchange a few words then go inside the hotel with him.

A while later, the guy is back on the street doing the same routine.

Curiosity gets to the drunk and he ambles across the street to ask the guy what he's doing.

"When I see a nice looking gal I say to her 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' and if she is game we go upstairs and screw, but if she is affronted and says 'What did you just say?' I say to her 'Particularly nasty weather.' It works like a charm."

The drunk decides to give it a try himself. He crosses back to his corner and as a woman walks past, he leans over to her and shouts:
"Hey Lady! Up your ass with a feather!"
"What did you just say to me?"
"Ohhh, goddamn lousy rain!"

[footfootfoot]

well, I stick to
Carl Withers, Illustrated by Suzanne Suba
A rocket in My Pocket
1948


The famous speaker who no one had heard of said:
Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
there's a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven't any.
Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery's sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don't really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
(The blind man went to see fair play;
the mute man went to shout "hooray!")
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away.

[Clodfobble]

How strange... why is it that I know a similar, yet notably different version of that?

Ladies and gents and dogs without fleas
Cover your ears and listen up please!
Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
I come here before you to stand here behind you
And tell you a story I know nothing about:
One dark night, in broad daylight,
Two dead men decided to fight.
Back to back, and facing each other
They pulled out their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys.
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
He'll tell you that this lie is true.


I had to memorize the version above in second grade.

[BigV]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[BrianR]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

[Iggy]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

[Iggy]

A Love Story



I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu



Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!