Humor...I Need Humor...

[skysidhe]

[cowhead]

don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something

[Shocker]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa



*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.
Santa


****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

[BigV]

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?











A: Go for the juggler.

[skysidhe]

[Griff]

Originally Posted by BigV

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?



A: Go for the juggler.

I've fired this off three times to great acclaim.

[noviceathome]

A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the mess.

[xoxoxoBruce]

An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.
Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire."
The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69."
"Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Literate Strip Club Signs
Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail

The Old Man and the SEE

Check Out our Trollops, Anthony

The Prince and the Peeper

Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde

Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet

It's Ulysses to Resist Us

A Tale of Two Titties

Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming

Leaves of Ass

We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier

Strippy Longstocking

The Hos of Kilimanjaro

[skysidhe]

http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/humorous.html

[student poop]

a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.

[Ibby]

Why are you still here?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Chill.

[Urbane Guerrilla]

But what if Ibram was... joking? :p

[xoxoxoBruce]

Chill anyway.

[cowhead]

a bevy of blonde jokes...


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is
clear."




Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks
in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat
in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade
was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was
the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and
a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"